I Do...

You don't have to say anything... I don't know what you are going through.

I can't seem to make out what I'm going through either.

I don't understand this love you are feeling and speaking of. It seems perfect, but aren't we all afraid of What is... Perfect? As I have been told through the journey of life, perfection is unattainable.

We work towards perfection.

Love.

A relationship takes work... But is it ever attainable... Perfect?

I am not asking for perfection.
I am not asking for your love.

I'm just asking to be with you, for now, till tomorrow, until who knows when!

I love you.

The last couple days have been very long to me. I am done with working my 6am shifts at the hotel for the week. At work, I thought about sending a Thank-You card to my managers. I really like working at the hotel, and I am thankful to have a job! The staff has been supportive and encouraging with my artistic endeavor of performing in 'The Nutcracker'. I have been about to balance both the job and performing opportunity.

I, so easily forget how grueling the job hunting process was for me. I still continue to grow and learn with the working experience. My co-workers are nice and fun for the most part. I truly believe we are a working, disfunctional family... which I love because I need it right now!

Going on two months now, I met a really nice guy. His name is Ed. We met in October to have dinner at Chili's restaurant. Ever since I've been out of college and living at home, the serious relationship never appealed to me. Of course, I'd long to be with someone but was resisting the thought; idea of it as well. At the time, I was out job hunting, dancing, feeling very worthless as a newly college graduate, dealing with an over-bearing but loving father as and Adult-child at home, with mother working her day-time and part-time jobs.

With the loss of my father, last December, my heart has been broken... Dad and I had our struggles over understanding each other but as someone told me "He had a weird way of showing it"... His love!

I don't know if I can love again... a thought that goes in and out of my mind, a lot. I've been feeling very bitter, and heartless this past year, with dealing with Father's death. It has been quite transforming in my life and experiences.

At the time I met Ed, I was working two jobs with working at both places in one day, a lot! He can explain his side, but as I mentioned... I did not go out of my way; had no desire to meet a guy to date. Ed caught up with me on one of those days where I had a Full day off which was rare! In September, I only had three days off... not in sequence and not one day on a weekend. I would go into a working week or two, not knowing when I'd have a day off. There were times I had to ASK/Request off for my days off - which put me in a pretty cool position if you ask me!

I mentioned to Ed in one of our conversations before meeting that I was looking for friendship or some activity partner for platonic outings, that is if I had time! Having Ed catch me, and at the right time has been truly a delight! I can't pick out the right words to describe "Us" as he knows I've been struggling on. I will say I am seeing a great, genuinely nice guy. I'm still a bit awe-struck about running across him, and giving him the opportunity to meet up. He definitely knows, just hours before the first meeting, I was 50% game on giving a rain check. I felt quite shitty, but a lot unfolded from the shittiness I was feeling that evening. I am very thankful I got my butt out the door to meet Edward.

And... that's a wrap!

Peace & Love,
T.

September...

Dad has been on my mind this morning.

It is Black Jack's 12th Birthday. He's been a joy of the family!

I can't believe the Fall season is kicking in with September here already. It is definitely going to be a sensitive season for me, as I can recount vividly my father's declining health. Without working at the time... spent most days with his loud, bold presence. I remember writing a lot too, in which I can dig up somewhere and look back on.

I am finishing up CHICKEN SOUP: Think Positive book. The last section has been Gratitude stories... Boy do I have a lot to be thankful for! It seems to be never ending. I live a life full of blessings!

I wish I could write more but then I know my words and thoughts would get disjointed and I'd be rambling at this time.

Here is a quote I came across today that I would like to finish with:

"Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you." Lao Tzu

Not Pretty...

This is not where I imagined I'd be at the age of 25. I have to embrace my reality, and own it.

I do not want to be dancing to the same crowd I have been, for the past 10 years.

I would like to dance... in a different location.

I feel that giving up what I enjoy is throwing away the "old" me. I am in the midsts of establishing a "new" me. I am not sure where I am going with my life but the "old" me is not taking me anywhere or doing me any service.

I feel that this... is growing up!

It's Friday... a little 3 am writing

Too much hope, and many dreams. There is not enough love, to fulfill the rest of my life.

Your talk is sweet and lovely to me. The future we could hold that you've imagined... you and I but I don't think you know me well, to love me that much.

Serve Him Today

Yesterday seemed to be one of those "dark" days. After taking a shower around 10:15am, I had fallen into a spell of depression. I think people respond to depression in various ways, as after I cleansed myself up I fell back into bed. I struggled with getting myself back up and in gear. It was just after 1pm when I finally got up and moving.

Mother says the choices I am making furthers me into depression. Also, I think it is partially due or a lot to due with the grieving period, being unemployed, and struggling with figuring out what I should be doing with my life. Inactivity kicks in too... I need to find more productive, and meaningful activities to do to keep me busy.

In the afternoon, as I was reading the newspaper the "Dear Abby" section caught my attention. In our newspaper today, it is not "Abby" anymore. It is "Annie" and "Amy". The two passages seemed to resonate with some of my current situations. In Annie's mailbox, a wife writes about her husband, who's in his 30's and is having trouble with deciding on a career path. He is afraid of failure, and is heavily influence on his family values; his mother's input. A father writes in to Amy in regards to the living arrangements he and his wife has offered to their 23-year old son. I am just two years older than the recent college graduate, living at home with difficulty on the career path scheme of things. I enjoy reading other people's issues which are similar to mine, and hope to reflect, learn, and grow from them. In any situation, reading about other people's accounts can re-affirm - you are not alone.

This morning's devotional, Serve Him Today written by David McCasland also spoke to me just as strongly as yesterday's newspaper passages... just on another facet of life. I won't go into the religious passages, portions of the devotional but after having a rough start to yesterday, the devotional brought me encouragement to last me, hopefully for some time. A sentence that stuck out like a sore thumb, yet perfectly was this: 'We can't undo yesterday, but we can act today to influence tomorrow'.


1st Samuel 12, v.24 "But be sure to fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you."

So it goes... 25

The birth month has six more days left... I am 25 years of age, writing on the 25th!

What do I make of being a quarter-of-a-century? I'm just going through the motions... not sure what to think of everything as my father's death is still so recent. It's been hard when it comes to birthdays... As Brittany celebrated her 29th in January, we celebrated with family friends. If I thought it was hard to be in good spirits, not sure how Brittany felt when she was blowing out the candle's on the cake without Dad's presence.

One thing I observed or took notice of was that the day before the birthday... you have so much hope, and wait in anticipation of your day, and a new year to begin! The day itself is, well what you make of it as any other day. The day before you celebrate, I feel is more exciting!


This month of March has treated me well thus far...

I worked on the musical at Elmira Free Academy. The performances were earlier this month. The students presented 'Footloose' as I provided the choreography for the show. I thoroughly love working on musicals and to be able to share my love and passion for the arts with others. I perform predominately Ballet within the dance concert settings. When I choreograph shows though, there is a portion of me in my work. The hard part to handle is the "letting go" process as production time arrives! Each night a cast performs , of course their nerves and adrenalin are high... mine as well! I love this time in my artistic life where I can still actively perform, and be a part of the creative process.

Sometimes I feel unhappy with where I am in life, with little accomplishments but I am truly blessed with the opportunities I've been given. I am still learning and growing from them.


With working in Elmira since January, I took a break from ballet classes and rehearsals. I just completed two weeks of some classes and rehearsals for 'Sleeping Beauty', the three-act ballet which will be presented by The Ithaca Ballet Company, April 30th-May 1st. I am performing the "Bluebird" Pas de deux, Variation, and Coda with Rosie, a dancer whom I've been working with throughout the season. The first week back was not so smooth, and learning the role was taxing on the mind and body... but I hadn't been in dancer mode for some time. This past week was a pivotal one. I feel much better on how things are going with rehearsals, and getting back into the regiment of taking classes. We have five weeks till performance time.


I'm not all to sure what to think about on the weather. We've had a very snowy start to Spring. As people are not all too thrilled with mother nature, I am thankful that this is a snowy March, and not April. Although, I do remember on one account... spending a weekend in NYC, April 2000 and waking up to a snowy manhattan. No, No, No!!

Another thing, on the topic - number 25... One of my favorite musicals has celebrated it's 25th anniversary in London, Bloublil, and Schonberg's 'Les Miserables'. One very neat fact, and furthers my love for this theater piece is that the show opened on Broadway, March 12, 1987. I am a '86 baby, but that's the birth day!


As April approaches... I am pretty sure my mother, Brit, and I will a bit emotional in our daily lives - as death of a loved one brings. April is my father's birth month. We miss him very much!!