The birth month has six more days left... I am 25 years of age, writing on the 25th!
What do I make of being a quarter-of-a-century? I'm just going through the motions... not sure what to think of everything as my father's death is still so recent. It's been hard when it comes to birthdays... As Brittany celebrated her 29th in January, we celebrated with family friends. If I thought it was hard to be in good spirits, not sure how Brittany felt when she was blowing out the candle's on the cake without Dad's presence.
One thing I observed or took notice of was that the day before the birthday... you have so much hope, and wait in anticipation of your day, and a new year to begin! The day itself is, well what you make of it as any other day. The day before you celebrate, I feel is more exciting!
This month of March has treated me well thus far...
I worked on the musical at Elmira Free Academy. The performances were earlier this month. The students presented 'Footloose' as I provided the choreography for the show. I thoroughly love working on musicals and to be able to share my love and passion for the arts with others. I perform predominately Ballet within the dance concert settings. When I choreograph shows though, there is a portion of me in my work. The hard part to handle is the "letting go" process as production time arrives! Each night a cast performs , of course their nerves and adrenalin are high... mine as well! I love this time in my artistic life where I can still actively perform, and be a part of the creative process.
Sometimes I feel unhappy with where I am in life, with little accomplishments but I am truly blessed with the opportunities I've been given. I am still learning and growing from them.
With working in Elmira since January, I took a break from ballet classes and rehearsals. I just completed two weeks of some classes and rehearsals for 'Sleeping Beauty', the three-act ballet which will be presented by The Ithaca Ballet Company, April 30th-May 1st. I am performing the "Bluebird" Pas de deux, Variation, and Coda with Rosie, a dancer whom I've been working with throughout the season. The first week back was not so smooth, and learning the role was taxing on the mind and body... but I hadn't been in dancer mode for some time. This past week was a pivotal one. I feel much better on how things are going with rehearsals, and getting back into the regiment of taking classes. We have five weeks till performance time.
I'm not all to sure what to think about on the weather. We've had a very snowy start to Spring. As people are not all too thrilled with mother nature, I am thankful that this is a snowy March, and not April. Although, I do remember on one account... spending a weekend in NYC, April 2000 and waking up to a snowy manhattan. No, No, No!!
Another thing, on the topic - number 25... One of my favorite musicals has celebrated it's 25th anniversary in London, Bloublil, and Schonberg's 'Les Miserables'. One very neat fact, and furthers my love for this theater piece is that the show opened on Broadway, March 12, 1987. I am a '86 baby, but that's the birth day!
As April approaches... I am pretty sure my mother, Brit, and I will a bit emotional in our daily lives - as death of a loved one brings. April is my father's birth month. We miss him very much!!
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Friday, March 25, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Someday they will come - the right words; the words...
It is the evening of Tuesday January 4th, 2011. I am writing under the influence of coffee, the urge and needing to.
My last piece I wrote (unpublished via net) pertained to my father's death. There's so much that comes to my mind on the subject... but I'm just not ready to write about every detail that comes to mind.
With father's death just before Christmas, the anticipation of celebrating the holiday and the new year was definitely something to look forward too. The holidays went by fast, and now I feel I call this period "the long haul". It is very quiet in the home, and without Dad's presence around... his absence is kicking in. I am struggling with going out in public and finding myself with my head low. I feel I could break into tears just walking down the street of our village; walking his dog.
I find myself alone, staring where his study/desk is... asking in dead silence, "Dad, where are you?" and tear up.
_________________________________________________________________
There's so much I want to say about life and current happenings with my family which is consisting of mother, and my older sister, Brittany.
Today though, I found myself in conversation with Victor, from Tobati, Paraguay. It brings me much happiness to talk to people from my birth country. In a way that seems odd to describe other than saying the way that it is... it brings me hope. We talked about the languages, culture, soccer, and he complimented me on my knowledge of the country... in which I feel is very little, but of all countries... publications on Paraguay are a rare find. I have two books I peep into periodically.
I need to wrap up, walk Black Jack, and call it a night!
My last piece I wrote (unpublished via net) pertained to my father's death. There's so much that comes to my mind on the subject... but I'm just not ready to write about every detail that comes to mind.
With father's death just before Christmas, the anticipation of celebrating the holiday and the new year was definitely something to look forward too. The holidays went by fast, and now I feel I call this period "the long haul". It is very quiet in the home, and without Dad's presence around... his absence is kicking in. I am struggling with going out in public and finding myself with my head low. I feel I could break into tears just walking down the street of our village; walking his dog.
I find myself alone, staring where his study/desk is... asking in dead silence, "Dad, where are you?" and tear up.
_________________________________________________________________
There's so much I want to say about life and current happenings with my family which is consisting of mother, and my older sister, Brittany.
Today though, I found myself in conversation with Victor, from Tobati, Paraguay. It brings me much happiness to talk to people from my birth country. In a way that seems odd to describe other than saying the way that it is... it brings me hope. We talked about the languages, culture, soccer, and he complimented me on my knowledge of the country... in which I feel is very little, but of all countries... publications on Paraguay are a rare find. I have two books I peep into periodically.
I need to wrap up, walk Black Jack, and call it a night!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
With many thanks
I am very thankful for the Song and the Dance, the Love, and the Life I've been given and for the beautiful people in it!!
Thanksgiving day was very nice, peaceful, and relaxing. I always enjoy watching the Macy's Parade with minimal distractions, as my other family members know... I am thoroughly engaged in the broadcast!
My father, who's been sick and stationed in bed for about the last two weeks came downstairs for the thanksgiving holiday to be with Brit, Mother, and I.
Dinner was very delicious, but seeing that we were eating in the living room with Dad on the couch, and all of us using the T.V. dinner tables seemed to be low key this year. Our dinner settings were small and intimate. We have some nice photos from dinner. We were also enjoying music by Patsy Cline and other music artists Mom and Dad have enjoyed throughout the years.
I have a feeling this holiday and winter season will be a long one.
Yesterday morning, Nick stopped by... with conversations on the work force, economy, and war. Mind you, he's 91 years old, Dad's friend and in good health.
Last night, I had a personal, emotional break-melt down. Mom was there to be ever-so critical of the situation, but managed to pick me up as well. When I go through these episodes... I call them the "I don't know what I'm doing" moments. These creep up on me randomly, as they are not fun to deal with.
"You don't throw something away until you know what reality is."
Today, I woke up... went through my morning routine. I walked our dog after breakfast. I have rehearsal tonight in Geneva with the orchestra. I hope things will go smoothly. I am just not ready for this... the performances to get underway! I have a feeling that this series of Nutcracker performances are going to fly by.
I need to blog/write more... I always say that here and there!
Thanksgiving day was very nice, peaceful, and relaxing. I always enjoy watching the Macy's Parade with minimal distractions, as my other family members know... I am thoroughly engaged in the broadcast!
My father, who's been sick and stationed in bed for about the last two weeks came downstairs for the thanksgiving holiday to be with Brit, Mother, and I.
Dinner was very delicious, but seeing that we were eating in the living room with Dad on the couch, and all of us using the T.V. dinner tables seemed to be low key this year. Our dinner settings were small and intimate. We have some nice photos from dinner. We were also enjoying music by Patsy Cline and other music artists Mom and Dad have enjoyed throughout the years.
I have a feeling this holiday and winter season will be a long one.
Yesterday morning, Nick stopped by... with conversations on the work force, economy, and war. Mind you, he's 91 years old, Dad's friend and in good health.
Last night, I had a personal, emotional break-melt down. Mom was there to be ever-so critical of the situation, but managed to pick me up as well. When I go through these episodes... I call them the "I don't know what I'm doing" moments. These creep up on me randomly, as they are not fun to deal with.
"You don't throw something away until you know what reality is."
Today, I woke up... went through my morning routine. I walked our dog after breakfast. I have rehearsal tonight in Geneva with the orchestra. I hope things will go smoothly. I am just not ready for this... the performances to get underway! I have a feeling that this series of Nutcracker performances are going to fly by.
I need to blog/write more... I always say that here and there!
Friday, October 1, 2010
Friday Morning thoughts
It's Hispanic Heritage Month in the United States, September 15-October 15th. As much as I love the fall season, this celebrated occasion always tends to creep up on me. I was just thinking about this time, next year... I will be on my way to turning 26 years old! Time, can you please stand still? I will need to reach the age of 25, successfully!
I have been listening to my Pandora station devoted to the Gipsy Kings a lot lately... sparks the interest in finding some sense of identity. Where do I come from? I believe knowing or in in my case, finding your roots is very important, or should be valued well.
I had been washing dishes this morning, listening to Latino music, and thinking to myself... in the motherland, taking care of of the family and home - is still mostly the females responsabilidad, no? It seems to remind me of the 1950's America - conservative era, as the men would be out working towards putting a meal on the table. In retrospect, I could go outside and rake the fall leaves... which would be an act of love; familia responsabilidad.
As I was finishing up with the dishes, our cat, Euchre helped himself to his dish of food. Normally, we put the dish back on the counter from his previous meal time. Dad had left the dish out though, so as I saw Euchre come out into the kitchen, I remarked "Euchre... helping yourself!! I wish to do the same..."
Good Friday to you!
I have been listening to my Pandora station devoted to the Gipsy Kings a lot lately... sparks the interest in finding some sense of identity. Where do I come from? I believe knowing or in in my case, finding your roots is very important, or should be valued well.
I had been washing dishes this morning, listening to Latino music, and thinking to myself... in the motherland, taking care of of the family and home - is still mostly the females responsabilidad, no? It seems to remind me of the 1950's America - conservative era, as the men would be out working towards putting a meal on the table. In retrospect, I could go outside and rake the fall leaves... which would be an act of love; familia responsabilidad.
As I was finishing up with the dishes, our cat, Euchre helped himself to his dish of food. Normally, we put the dish back on the counter from his previous meal time. Dad had left the dish out though, so as I saw Euchre come out into the kitchen, I remarked "Euchre... helping yourself!! I wish to do the same..."
Good Friday to you!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
How would you define a life that is lived well?
Prompt from journalingpromts.com:
How would you define a life that is lived well?
I feel I can only list characteristics of people whom I feel are doing good, or well with their lives.
Independency - to be financially independent, and being able to act upon personal likes and interests and to share them with others. Also being out on your own encompasses being independent.
Job/Career - to have a job, number one, and to have one they enjoy or make the best out of.
Family and Friends - it is important to be surrounded by the people you love, or the ones to cherish your friendship, people who love and support you for BEING who You are!
I do not have independency. As far as work, I have gigs that pay money here, and there... nothing stable as of now. I'm gaining skills and experience but I still have yet made it in what you'd call the "workforce".
I am surrounded by the family I know.
I believe Love does surround us, but sometimes we as individuals show our true colors, and it turns out to be not so loving. I try to do my best day by day with the current situation I am in.
I purchased a bag that in big, bold, letters read: LIVE YOUR LIFE. At first, I thought how cheesy of me but let's just say I am trying... to the best of my ability with my given situation, with many deep breathes.
How would you define a life that is lived well?
I feel I can only list characteristics of people whom I feel are doing good, or well with their lives.
Independency - to be financially independent, and being able to act upon personal likes and interests and to share them with others. Also being out on your own encompasses being independent.
Job/Career - to have a job, number one, and to have one they enjoy or make the best out of.
Family and Friends - it is important to be surrounded by the people you love, or the ones to cherish your friendship, people who love and support you for BEING who You are!
I do not have independency. As far as work, I have gigs that pay money here, and there... nothing stable as of now. I'm gaining skills and experience but I still have yet made it in what you'd call the "workforce".
I am surrounded by the family I know.
I believe Love does surround us, but sometimes we as individuals show our true colors, and it turns out to be not so loving. I try to do my best day by day with the current situation I am in.
I purchased a bag that in big, bold, letters read: LIVE YOUR LIFE. At first, I thought how cheesy of me but let's just say I am trying... to the best of my ability with my given situation, with many deep breathes.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Memorial Day 2009
I woke up this morning probably just about an hour before the festivities began. Living across a natural waterfall is something else with tourists always outside your home photographing this magnificent falls or even your 1860 Victorian home, or the fancy old antique cars my Dad owns.
Today is Memorial day. There is always a service held at 9AM at the falls. I can remember the days where I would still be in bed and the sounds of the gunshots were my wake-up call. Today was different. I just happened to wake up at 8Am to find my mother running around and heading out to school to do a little work on her day off; that's so like her! She never misses the service though. I thought Brittany was already at work but I found her coming down the stairs to leave after the ceremony was finished. My Dad and I had a moment where we were at the end of our drive way just across the street from the falls listening to the ceremony. It was a chilly morning.
After the ceremony, I was lost at what to do. I'm always lost... who am I kidding? I've been a lost child since birth for all I am concerned which produces this weird Trenton angst that I don't think anyone will or could understand.
I didn't catch his name but a Veteran gave a very nice speech which basically he made this statement of "Service over self" as the basis to the well delivered speech. Gosh where's my thesaurus! Anyways... It's something we can all work on - whether he truly meant in the context of military service or not. But he did speak of the men and women who serve all of us and come home from duty to catch up, support, love and to live with their families.
This home I live in is something else. It's just a very silent part of my family... in which I can totally sympathize with. I feel I don't have a voice within this family sometimes. It hurts, but at the same time it somewhat makes sense. After Church this Sunday, a woman came up to me and said along these lines " Well now that you've graduated, you can be your own person." I replied... "Well I try to be my own person at home. It just doesn't go over all that too well". She chuckled, but yes, that's how it feels.
I cannot foresee what will happen to this home. I wish it could be mine, or ours forever... and I am speaking of our behalf - Brittany and I. I worry sick everyday literally over the future of our family - our small family. It's just that this home is something special, despite our dysfunctional, obscure family as I see it. Who wouldn't like a bedroom view of a waterfalls, or the sounds of tumbling waters as you go to bed at night? It's so beautiful and majestic. I would literally have to fall backwards to keep it. Drop everything I'm doing to maintain it. I don't know how my 73 year old father does it. He's his own one-man show. And my mother won't be getting any younger, soon to be approaching age 59. I do love them dearly, and trust me I will be a mess when they are gone; I already am. I worry sick that I will be cleaning up after them, the good and the bad they have done in their lifetime. I'm afraid I won't live up to be either one of them. Is that normal? It's quite frightening to me and has failure written all over it. I would love to keep this home within the family but when I say drop everything - perhaps it will be a major shift of a location, an occupation that I have been busy with. This could ultimately change my hopes, aspirations, and dreams for myself, whom I'm sharing my life with then and there or the family that I could be building or already have. Granted this could be as early as age 30 or who knows when... I thank the Lord everyday and pray for my family that they are in good health - but I know they won't always be able to go strong this way and here I am age 23, and my life can change drastically at any moment. Well anybody's life can... There's always the possibility of I, leaving before my folks. I actually was in a life-threatening situation 2 years ago and it was not fun. I swear I thought my life was going to go dark-black right then and there at age 21.
One thing I must strongly urge parents of today's youth is that just coming out of college, I still feel small and weak when the parents are concerned. I'm still their baby. Never ever -ever verbally tell your son or daughter "You're such an embarrassment", "You're so lazy", and "That's Bullshit". If you ever use those phrases to your children or loved ones, you have just lost partial or all respect from the for the time being... and eventually they will get over what you said - but they will never forget; it will haunt them. This has happened to me within the past week. This past year I have been getting back into my Christian background in which I was brought up through with my mother and sister. My father is an ex-catholic. Around 1998 and September 11th, 2001 time frame - Mom decided not taking my sister and I to church... and I would like to blame her for the disconnect from the Lord, our savior. So since my Sophomore year of HS, I attended church by myself, became a member, sang in the choir - pursuing this all by myself. It wasn't easy. It still isn't... with a family of non-believers? I don't understand what happened. It's something I currently struggle with - how to communicate to them through the way of the Lord, and Jesus Christ. I feel I can only do so much. Before coming home from college, I knew all of us were going to be living under the same roof for some time. Something I was actually looking forward too - perhaps knowing our family was already at a disconnect on other levels versus religion. I actually looked forward to this moment of trying to bring our family together to be on the same page as we once were... but I realize I'm not all that strong too. I thought I could come home and brush the dust off of their hearts. The hearts of the family I knew. But I can't. I feel like a failure and a failure is "such an embarrassment".
Today is Memorial day. There is always a service held at 9AM at the falls. I can remember the days where I would still be in bed and the sounds of the gunshots were my wake-up call. Today was different. I just happened to wake up at 8Am to find my mother running around and heading out to school to do a little work on her day off; that's so like her! She never misses the service though. I thought Brittany was already at work but I found her coming down the stairs to leave after the ceremony was finished. My Dad and I had a moment where we were at the end of our drive way just across the street from the falls listening to the ceremony. It was a chilly morning.
After the ceremony, I was lost at what to do. I'm always lost... who am I kidding? I've been a lost child since birth for all I am concerned which produces this weird Trenton angst that I don't think anyone will or could understand.
I didn't catch his name but a Veteran gave a very nice speech which basically he made this statement of "Service over self" as the basis to the well delivered speech. Gosh where's my thesaurus! Anyways... It's something we can all work on - whether he truly meant in the context of military service or not. But he did speak of the men and women who serve all of us and come home from duty to catch up, support, love and to live with their families.
This home I live in is something else. It's just a very silent part of my family... in which I can totally sympathize with. I feel I don't have a voice within this family sometimes. It hurts, but at the same time it somewhat makes sense. After Church this Sunday, a woman came up to me and said along these lines " Well now that you've graduated, you can be your own person." I replied... "Well I try to be my own person at home. It just doesn't go over all that too well". She chuckled, but yes, that's how it feels.
I cannot foresee what will happen to this home. I wish it could be mine, or ours forever... and I am speaking of our behalf - Brittany and I. I worry sick everyday literally over the future of our family - our small family. It's just that this home is something special, despite our dysfunctional, obscure family as I see it. Who wouldn't like a bedroom view of a waterfalls, or the sounds of tumbling waters as you go to bed at night? It's so beautiful and majestic. I would literally have to fall backwards to keep it. Drop everything I'm doing to maintain it. I don't know how my 73 year old father does it. He's his own one-man show. And my mother won't be getting any younger, soon to be approaching age 59. I do love them dearly, and trust me I will be a mess when they are gone; I already am. I worry sick that I will be cleaning up after them, the good and the bad they have done in their lifetime. I'm afraid I won't live up to be either one of them. Is that normal? It's quite frightening to me and has failure written all over it. I would love to keep this home within the family but when I say drop everything - perhaps it will be a major shift of a location, an occupation that I have been busy with. This could ultimately change my hopes, aspirations, and dreams for myself, whom I'm sharing my life with then and there or the family that I could be building or already have. Granted this could be as early as age 30 or who knows when... I thank the Lord everyday and pray for my family that they are in good health - but I know they won't always be able to go strong this way and here I am age 23, and my life can change drastically at any moment. Well anybody's life can... There's always the possibility of I, leaving before my folks. I actually was in a life-threatening situation 2 years ago and it was not fun. I swear I thought my life was going to go dark-black right then and there at age 21.
One thing I must strongly urge parents of today's youth is that just coming out of college, I still feel small and weak when the parents are concerned. I'm still their baby. Never ever -ever verbally tell your son or daughter "You're such an embarrassment", "You're so lazy", and "That's Bullshit". If you ever use those phrases to your children or loved ones, you have just lost partial or all respect from the for the time being... and eventually they will get over what you said - but they will never forget; it will haunt them. This has happened to me within the past week. This past year I have been getting back into my Christian background in which I was brought up through with my mother and sister. My father is an ex-catholic. Around 1998 and September 11th, 2001 time frame - Mom decided not taking my sister and I to church... and I would like to blame her for the disconnect from the Lord, our savior. So since my Sophomore year of HS, I attended church by myself, became a member, sang in the choir - pursuing this all by myself. It wasn't easy. It still isn't... with a family of non-believers? I don't understand what happened. It's something I currently struggle with - how to communicate to them through the way of the Lord, and Jesus Christ. I feel I can only do so much. Before coming home from college, I knew all of us were going to be living under the same roof for some time. Something I was actually looking forward too - perhaps knowing our family was already at a disconnect on other levels versus religion. I actually looked forward to this moment of trying to bring our family together to be on the same page as we once were... but I realize I'm not all that strong too. I thought I could come home and brush the dust off of their hearts. The hearts of the family I knew. But I can't. I feel like a failure and a failure is "such an embarrassment".
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