With many thanks

I am very thankful for the Song and the Dance, the Love, and the Life I've been given and for the beautiful people in it!!

Thanksgiving day was very nice, peaceful, and relaxing. I always enjoy watching the Macy's Parade with minimal distractions, as my other family members know... I am thoroughly engaged in the broadcast!

My father, who's been sick and stationed in bed for about the last two weeks came downstairs for the thanksgiving holiday to be with Brit, Mother, and I.

Dinner was very delicious, but seeing that we were eating in the living room with Dad on the couch, and all of us using the T.V. dinner tables seemed to be low key this year. Our dinner settings were small and intimate. We have some nice photos from dinner. We were also enjoying music by Patsy Cline and other music artists Mom and Dad have enjoyed throughout the years.

I have a feeling this holiday and winter season will be a long one.

Yesterday morning, Nick stopped by... with conversations on the work force, economy, and war. Mind you, he's 91 years old, Dad's friend and in good health.

Last night, I had a personal, emotional break-melt down. Mom was there to be ever-so critical of the situation, but managed to pick me up as well. When I go through these episodes... I call them the "I don't know what I'm doing" moments. These creep up on me randomly, as they are not fun to deal with.

"You don't throw something away until you know what reality is."

Today, I woke up... went through my morning routine. I walked our dog after breakfast. I have rehearsal tonight in Geneva with the orchestra. I hope things will go smoothly. I am just not ready for this... the performances to get underway! I have a feeling that this series of Nutcracker performances are going to fly by.

I need to blog/write more... I always say that here and there!

This sunny Fall day! Part I

Well... I will start off that it is Wednesday November 10th... and tomorrow is Veteran's Day.

It is so sunny out with blue skies... something we haven't seen for a while. Although, this fall... the waterfalls has been very full; more than I can ever imagine. I suppose it makes up for the dry falls during summer time. I love having my bedroom window open to hear the falls!

I'm feeling very ecstatic for some reason... good for blogging!

This morning after I woke up, I took Black Jack for a walk. I don't know what Mom put in his breakfast earlier in the morning but... he was wound up this morn! I wish I had his energy but it definitely put me in a good mood. The cat, as well has been acting crazy too.

Brit made me scrabbled eggs, as I read my daily bible passage... which was a good one. The passage was from the book of Luke - Chapter 11, verses 1-10; Jesus' teachings on prayer.

I still have to get some laundry done, and I'm feeling really ambitious to go out for a run... I just need to hydrate myself and do an AB/Upperbody workout beforehand.

This week has been Tech week for 'Pirates of Penzance' in which I acted upon as choreographer for the show. The cast has been fun to work with, and doing pretty well this week. It is sure to be a good presentation! I've been having the phrase "How pitiful his tale... How rare his beauty!" stuck in my head today.

A run tends to stir up my thoughts and emotions, so that is why I titled this with Part I... that is hoping I can get back to blog more!

Alas, the first blog of the November month!

T.

Notes to Self!

I need to organize my life!

I am seeing the big picture.

I need to work at what needs to be done. It won't miraculously happen!

My actions affects others around me.

Friday Morning thoughts

It's Hispanic Heritage Month in the United States, September 15-October 15th. As much as I love the fall season, this celebrated occasion always tends to creep up on me. I was just thinking about this time, next year... I will be on my way to turning 26 years old! Time, can you please stand still? I will need to reach the age of 25, successfully!

I have been listening to my Pandora station devoted to the Gipsy Kings a lot lately... sparks the interest in finding some sense of identity. Where do I come from? I believe knowing or in in my case, finding your roots is very important, or should be valued well.

I had been washing dishes this morning, listening to Latino music, and thinking to myself... in the motherland, taking care of of the family and home - is still mostly the females responsabilidad, no? It seems to remind me of the 1950's America - conservative era, as the men would be out working towards putting a meal on the table. In retrospect, I could go outside and rake the fall leaves... which would be an act of love; familia responsabilidad.

As I was finishing up with the dishes, our cat, Euchre helped himself to his dish of food. Normally, we put the dish back on the counter from his previous meal time. Dad had left the dish out though, so as I saw Euchre come out into the kitchen, I remarked "Euchre... helping yourself!! I wish to do the same..."

Good Friday to you!

An Imaginary Perspective...

I'm afraid I am going to miss a call from him. We haven't talked for about a week. I wonder if there will be a voicemail, asking 'What's wrong?' or 'What's going on?' as my phone isn't near me.

At the same time, if all this were true... I would let him know that I haven't felt; been myself this week. Well, that part is true.

An imaginary perspective...

"So that's what it is", he would exclaim. "You go silent for every other week. When you will you be, or feel like yourself again?"

I'd have to honestly reply, "I don't know...".

It's been one of those beautiful - dark days...

There are two people out there that I've met and would fall for... the thing is I haven't fallen completely. But, things would be far from perfect.

I am only use to men.

I question myself a lot... as in what it would be like to pursue something with a woman. The thing is that she would be the first female I've been with. We both would have past histories with men to bring to the table.

I could just be another guy to her, but to me... she'd be a part of a first time experience, which the thought of it, brings thrill and excitement to me.

A mess... over Love

Is this love so far, or so near?
Will I know what it feels like tomorrow, or next year?

An apartment, or an elaborate home that we will share?

Will I be preparing dinner, or coming home to a fine meal?

Will I be the breadwinner, or the stay-at-home lover?

Will I be expected to mow the lawn, or be able to read some Lewis Sinclair?

You will mean the world to me, but will I bring the happiness you deserve?

I could be a messy slob but will you care?

Let me dance, the dance!

With a father not well, A son not knowing all what to do... it puts me in a state of Love - I feel angry, sad, frustrated, and helpless... All within this love for my father.

I wish I could show my love for you. I feel I can only dance it out, or any other feelings for that matter.

I struggle with showing love, but I know the feeling is throughout my body, and throughout life. If only I could dance my expression out for you. I t would be so much easier than keeping it bottled up. If I could put my dancing into words, I'd be set.

Showing emotion is one of my many struggles, without the music, singing the song, or to dance.

Let me dance, the dance!

How would you define a life that is lived well?

Prompt from journalingpromts.com:
How would you define a life that is lived well?

I feel I can only list characteristics of people whom I feel are doing good, or well with their lives.

Independency - to be financially independent, and being able to act upon personal likes and interests and to share them with others. Also being out on your own encompasses being independent.

Job/Career - to have a job, number one, and to have one they enjoy or make the best out of.

Family and Friends - it is important to be surrounded by the people you love, or the ones to cherish your friendship, people who love and support you for BEING who You are!

I do not have independency. As far as work, I have gigs that pay money here, and there... nothing stable as of now. I'm gaining skills and experience but I still have yet made it in what you'd call the "workforce".

I am surrounded by the family I know.

I believe Love does surround us, but sometimes we as individuals show our true colors, and it turns out to be not so loving. I try to do my best day by day with the current situation I am in.

I purchased a bag that in big, bold, letters read: LIVE YOUR LIFE. At first, I thought how cheesy of me but let's just say I am trying... to the best of my ability with my given situation, with many deep breathes.

Tuesday June 22, 2010 Writings

It is my last day of subbing at Watkins Glen High for the 2009-2010 school year.

I don't know what else to say... I survived 4 weeks, and 2 days.

I have just found a website full of journal prompts. I have, someday - at some point... a lot personal writings to go through, reflect on, and possibly edit more clearly! I just think sometimes a prompt helps get you out of the same 'ole, same old.

Today's prompt: What do you long for most right now? Do you think that you have a good chance of getting what you really want?

- Being around dear friends I miss all over!

- To date someone wonderful

- To go back to school or find a steady job that I enjoy...

- To find a good way to balance work, play, among the many diverse interests of mine.

- World travel

Do I have a good chance at getting what I really want?

I believe, first off... the easiest one of the five bullets to work on is, to find a good way to balance work, play-social life, and tap into the diverse interests of mine. I suppose classifying this as the easiest to be done, is impart to my interests on reading, and research, as well as being low on the price tag scheme of things. I see working on this as coming and growing with life experience and knowledge versus living a materialistic life, or putting an emphasis on materialistic things. I don't believe every thing is cheap out there, or in history class we have learned... there is no such thing as a free lunch but to aim to work along the budget I have smart and effectively is the best I can do.

Love... what is love? Happiness... Singleness. Matters of the heart - a very touchy subject for me, but the longing to date someone wonderful is always there. I am a christian who is also currently struggling with sexuality. I can be seen as living an alternative lifestyle, but wait a minute! If I'm not actively dating the same-sex, or whatever , am I meant to get labeled? I believe in a loving God who loves all people. It is your choice, belief system that you may choose... It could be that you reject ever-lasting love. I would like to be loved for who I am, express my love towards a male or female, be one in faith with Christianity, as well as loving thy mother and father, because they are all I have besides my faith in the Lord, God Almighty.

It would be nice to find a steady job. I have been fortunate to have performed, teach dance, choreograph musicals, and substitute teach in the public school system in which have been my work life for the past year. I have gained much insight, knowledge, and experiences to take with me as I propel forward with life! I have thought about going back to school briefly here and there... I just need to get some money under my belt for that plan to blossom.

I miss many different people throughout my life now... people from high school, college, dance programs, and such. My friends are important to me, although currently I am struggling with keeping in touch the best possible way, and sustaining good relationships. The social networking site, Facebook, does help but where is a simple phone call these days? Is a phone conversation going out of style, like hand-written letters? I have called some individuals 3 to 5 times with no answer. I have done my part reaching out... it's quite discouraging going down a list of say, 5 friends and nothing comes up... taking the time to call loved ones. As well with keeping in touch, I wish I had the financial means to travel to visit friends in Pittsburgh, Florida, New York City, and California, among other spots in this world of ours. My family and friends are very important to me.

Lastly, but not least... I would love to travel around the world. Having been born in Asuncion, Paraguay... I have always thought, internally felt having a worldly view throughout life. This past January, I traveled abroad for the first time to the Southern Yucatan Peninsula of Mexico. I went on a mission trip through the Geneva Presbytery. I saw, and witnessed the beauty, the people, and culture of Mexico you never see in the media. I would like to visit the homeland of Paraguay someday! I have always wanted to do the trip with my immediate family but that seems unlikely. When I am ready, and all in seriousness in wanting to take the trip... I'd love to take a friend who's close to me and fluent in the Spanish language. Other countries I am interested in visiting include: Argentina, Brazil, India, Portugal, Spain, and France. Someday... when I have the finances... I long to travel!

Well, I covered 5 things that I long for... right now? Perhaps, or soon in the near future. These five points I brainstormed right away. I prioritized them to cover the specifics by the cost/financial factors from least to most costly means. I am alright with what money I do have, but at the same time I know I am not in a good financial standing. I attempt to be smart in decisions when it comes to the budget I am living within.

Do you think you have a good chance at getting what you really want? With time, work, and life experiences... why not? But for right now, let me... let us enjoy Summer 2010!

Freelance...

How or where to begin...

Well it is just after 8pm on Tuesday evening, June 15th, 2010. For the past three weeks, I've been a long-term sub; well 4 weeks is long term for me! I've been substituting at Watkins Glen High for a teacher's assistant, who works with Special Ed. students. Now I am just proctoring Regents exams and helping other teachers with tedious end of the year tasks to lighten their load. I never imagined subbing a lot this past year in the High School and seeing the Class of 2010 on their way out into the Real World. It was just five years ago, I did the same. I don't like to say being equal to but it's been quite the trip working along side my former high school teachers in which have been co-workers of my parents, and which I'd like to call "extended family".

This past Sunday was the 64th annual American Theater Wing's TONY Awards, celebrating the Best of the Best of Live Theater. As many would say, maybe this season or just the awards show was quite distasteful. I am not an expert to say but maybe it was an Off season for NY Theater. There's a breed of new faces with new, and revived works of course. I would go on, and on about specifics but I can't quite seem to put the words together as I see fit, and that would make sense!

I am listening to the New Broadway cast recording of Stephen Sondheim's, A LITTLE NIGHT MUSIC.

This freelance is not going anywhere... work, and theater! Well, speaking of work and theater, I do have some projects to be working on! I will be staging a community theater production of Gilbert & Sullivan's PIRATES of PENZANCE, and I will be choreographing the musical, FOOTLOOSE for a local high school.

Tuesday morning writings...

We're Twelve Feet In The Air!

I feel so high...
I want to smile, cheek to cheek!

People would question why...

Because I'm in love... with another guy is crazy, unheard of...
Nothing you talk about in this small town of ours.

I feel so good though! I wish I could announce it to the world...

12 feet high


BLAZY Blah-Blah!

This morning I left the house at a reasonable time. My car started up well. I really didn't forget anything...

Surprisingly, I had a great start to the day.

This is just to say?

I have been doing a lot of subbing in a local high school recently, and have sat in on some english classes covering poetry. One poem we covered was 'This is just to say' by William Carlos Williams. You can read that poem in the link posted below.

http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15535

One assignment the students had was to write a poem in the style, format based on this honest, brutally raw poem that expresses being incosiderate. It is a poem I find myself reading over and over again. You can substitute the plums with basically anything. Personally, beer seems more along my interest.

I took a jab at taking on the assignment myself. Here is how my attempt - whether a pass or fail, turned out.


KUHAR (written 5/28/2010)

I thought I was in love with you.

And you could have been overjoyed; happy with that.

Please forgive me, although you knew... Love can exist between two people. It was only lust... with you.

*My poem based on 'This is just to say' by William Carlos Williams.


Writing comes easy to me at the most random times. Yesterday, I wrote a statement where I didn't even attempt to mimic anything but here was free verse that ended up sounding like the tone/style that William Carlos Williams was in.

It sucks I have to be here...
and you, there.

I ask myself nearly every day,
was it love?

Twenty-Four

Twenty - Four stands so tall.

Just write it... a two, and a four.

Sometimes you just want to push it down. Well, maybe not the two.

Twenty-Three was a bit painful to me.

Twenty-Four isn't that bad - just in between... odd. (Even, I mean!)

Twenty-Five is... old; to become.

Good Friday

Why do the most beautiful days... with sunshine, and blue skies have to be the dark ones, internally?

Feeling frustrated, and a sense of guilt are never too good.

I went for a walk on the trail this morning. I couldn't make it all the way... I felt I needed to get back home - to write? Yes, perhaps...

When I go walking, running on the Catherine Valley Trail, it brings the best and worst out of me. It can be a very emotional trip; form of exercise.

I wasn't too happy turning around but something did seem wrong...

I am back home though, where everything is just fine. It's just... me.

As I was ending up my dose of sunshine, trying to be upbeat about things, the song - Gethsemane (I Only Want To Say), from Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical, JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR came up on my ipod. Yes, randomly - on Good Friday. As I question... How the most beautiful days out there, can also be the darkest ones.

On a lighter note, as I approached my bedroom door, "Say Liza" (Liza with a "Z") was playing on the ipod. What privilege to share my birthday, March 12th with Ms. Liza Minnelli.

SATURDAY March 27th... and that I need to BLOG more!

** I miss blogging! I mean, daily or on a weekly basis I do journal... sometimes I feel blogging helps me connect to others around me, because you'd be reading about what's going on in my life currently... Not sure if people would be interested in reading old journal entries of mine, but here goes a recent one** ~Trent

Saturday March 27, 2010

Well, my alarm clock went off at 7AM... Did I get up? No. Did I text a friend? Yes... and yes 7AM is early for a text message!

As I grabbed my morning coffee, I found Mom in the living room with her cup. The original film, THE CUTTING EDGE was airing on ABC Family Television. It surely brightened my day.

J.M. had gotten a late start to the day... so that had pushed things back an hour 1/2, and that was fine by me. I have my ipod with me, and enjoying a mocha frappiccino.

I was looking at music by Nina Simone, Billie Holiday, and the Original Broadway Cast Recording of "Mack & Mabel" - all at a very reasonable price! I also saw some albums of Ms. Renee Fleming which also grabbed my short attention span which takes over so well in a store such as B&N! Music, and books... with a cafe; I go crazy!

No idea how my meeting will go with J.M. ... I can only be thankful, and grateful for him availing his time to meet up with me. I wanted to brainstorm topics of discussion, or something! I feel so unprepared...
_________________________________________________________

Well, I put some things down of thought. Finally, I believe J.M. is on a bus to B&N... it seems weird to say, I vaguely remember what it was like... to rely on Public Transportation.