I Do...

You don't have to say anything... I don't know what you are going through.

I can't seem to make out what I'm going through either.

I don't understand this love you are feeling and speaking of. It seems perfect, but aren't we all afraid of What is... Perfect? As I have been told through the journey of life, perfection is unattainable.

We work towards perfection.

Love.

A relationship takes work... But is it ever attainable... Perfect?

I am not asking for perfection.
I am not asking for your love.

I'm just asking to be with you, for now, till tomorrow, until who knows when!

I love you.

The last couple days have been very long to me. I am done with working my 6am shifts at the hotel for the week. At work, I thought about sending a Thank-You card to my managers. I really like working at the hotel, and I am thankful to have a job! The staff has been supportive and encouraging with my artistic endeavor of performing in 'The Nutcracker'. I have been about to balance both the job and performing opportunity.

I, so easily forget how grueling the job hunting process was for me. I still continue to grow and learn with the working experience. My co-workers are nice and fun for the most part. I truly believe we are a working, disfunctional family... which I love because I need it right now!

Going on two months now, I met a really nice guy. His name is Ed. We met in October to have dinner at Chili's restaurant. Ever since I've been out of college and living at home, the serious relationship never appealed to me. Of course, I'd long to be with someone but was resisting the thought; idea of it as well. At the time, I was out job hunting, dancing, feeling very worthless as a newly college graduate, dealing with an over-bearing but loving father as and Adult-child at home, with mother working her day-time and part-time jobs.

With the loss of my father, last December, my heart has been broken... Dad and I had our struggles over understanding each other but as someone told me "He had a weird way of showing it"... His love!

I don't know if I can love again... a thought that goes in and out of my mind, a lot. I've been feeling very bitter, and heartless this past year, with dealing with Father's death. It has been quite transforming in my life and experiences.

At the time I met Ed, I was working two jobs with working at both places in one day, a lot! He can explain his side, but as I mentioned... I did not go out of my way; had no desire to meet a guy to date. Ed caught up with me on one of those days where I had a Full day off which was rare! In September, I only had three days off... not in sequence and not one day on a weekend. I would go into a working week or two, not knowing when I'd have a day off. There were times I had to ASK/Request off for my days off - which put me in a pretty cool position if you ask me!

I mentioned to Ed in one of our conversations before meeting that I was looking for friendship or some activity partner for platonic outings, that is if I had time! Having Ed catch me, and at the right time has been truly a delight! I can't pick out the right words to describe "Us" as he knows I've been struggling on. I will say I am seeing a great, genuinely nice guy. I'm still a bit awe-struck about running across him, and giving him the opportunity to meet up. He definitely knows, just hours before the first meeting, I was 50% game on giving a rain check. I felt quite shitty, but a lot unfolded from the shittiness I was feeling that evening. I am very thankful I got my butt out the door to meet Edward.

And... that's a wrap!

Peace & Love,
T.

September...

Dad has been on my mind this morning.

It is Black Jack's 12th Birthday. He's been a joy of the family!

I can't believe the Fall season is kicking in with September here already. It is definitely going to be a sensitive season for me, as I can recount vividly my father's declining health. Without working at the time... spent most days with his loud, bold presence. I remember writing a lot too, in which I can dig up somewhere and look back on.

I am finishing up CHICKEN SOUP: Think Positive book. The last section has been Gratitude stories... Boy do I have a lot to be thankful for! It seems to be never ending. I live a life full of blessings!

I wish I could write more but then I know my words and thoughts would get disjointed and I'd be rambling at this time.

Here is a quote I came across today that I would like to finish with:

"Be content with what you have, rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you." Lao Tzu

Not Pretty...

This is not where I imagined I'd be at the age of 25. I have to embrace my reality, and own it.

I do not want to be dancing to the same crowd I have been, for the past 10 years.

I would like to dance... in a different location.

I feel that giving up what I enjoy is throwing away the "old" me. I am in the midsts of establishing a "new" me. I am not sure where I am going with my life but the "old" me is not taking me anywhere or doing me any service.

I feel that this... is growing up!

It's Friday... a little 3 am writing

Too much hope, and many dreams. There is not enough love, to fulfill the rest of my life.

Your talk is sweet and lovely to me. The future we could hold that you've imagined... you and I but I don't think you know me well, to love me that much.

Serve Him Today

Yesterday seemed to be one of those "dark" days. After taking a shower around 10:15am, I had fallen into a spell of depression. I think people respond to depression in various ways, as after I cleansed myself up I fell back into bed. I struggled with getting myself back up and in gear. It was just after 1pm when I finally got up and moving.

Mother says the choices I am making furthers me into depression. Also, I think it is partially due or a lot to due with the grieving period, being unemployed, and struggling with figuring out what I should be doing with my life. Inactivity kicks in too... I need to find more productive, and meaningful activities to do to keep me busy.

In the afternoon, as I was reading the newspaper the "Dear Abby" section caught my attention. In our newspaper today, it is not "Abby" anymore. It is "Annie" and "Amy". The two passages seemed to resonate with some of my current situations. In Annie's mailbox, a wife writes about her husband, who's in his 30's and is having trouble with deciding on a career path. He is afraid of failure, and is heavily influence on his family values; his mother's input. A father writes in to Amy in regards to the living arrangements he and his wife has offered to their 23-year old son. I am just two years older than the recent college graduate, living at home with difficulty on the career path scheme of things. I enjoy reading other people's issues which are similar to mine, and hope to reflect, learn, and grow from them. In any situation, reading about other people's accounts can re-affirm - you are not alone.

This morning's devotional, Serve Him Today written by David McCasland also spoke to me just as strongly as yesterday's newspaper passages... just on another facet of life. I won't go into the religious passages, portions of the devotional but after having a rough start to yesterday, the devotional brought me encouragement to last me, hopefully for some time. A sentence that stuck out like a sore thumb, yet perfectly was this: 'We can't undo yesterday, but we can act today to influence tomorrow'.


1st Samuel 12, v.24 "But be sure to fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you."

So it goes... 25

The birth month has six more days left... I am 25 years of age, writing on the 25th!

What do I make of being a quarter-of-a-century? I'm just going through the motions... not sure what to think of everything as my father's death is still so recent. It's been hard when it comes to birthdays... As Brittany celebrated her 29th in January, we celebrated with family friends. If I thought it was hard to be in good spirits, not sure how Brittany felt when she was blowing out the candle's on the cake without Dad's presence.

One thing I observed or took notice of was that the day before the birthday... you have so much hope, and wait in anticipation of your day, and a new year to begin! The day itself is, well what you make of it as any other day. The day before you celebrate, I feel is more exciting!


This month of March has treated me well thus far...

I worked on the musical at Elmira Free Academy. The performances were earlier this month. The students presented 'Footloose' as I provided the choreography for the show. I thoroughly love working on musicals and to be able to share my love and passion for the arts with others. I perform predominately Ballet within the dance concert settings. When I choreograph shows though, there is a portion of me in my work. The hard part to handle is the "letting go" process as production time arrives! Each night a cast performs , of course their nerves and adrenalin are high... mine as well! I love this time in my artistic life where I can still actively perform, and be a part of the creative process.

Sometimes I feel unhappy with where I am in life, with little accomplishments but I am truly blessed with the opportunities I've been given. I am still learning and growing from them.


With working in Elmira since January, I took a break from ballet classes and rehearsals. I just completed two weeks of some classes and rehearsals for 'Sleeping Beauty', the three-act ballet which will be presented by The Ithaca Ballet Company, April 30th-May 1st. I am performing the "Bluebird" Pas de deux, Variation, and Coda with Rosie, a dancer whom I've been working with throughout the season. The first week back was not so smooth, and learning the role was taxing on the mind and body... but I hadn't been in dancer mode for some time. This past week was a pivotal one. I feel much better on how things are going with rehearsals, and getting back into the regiment of taking classes. We have five weeks till performance time.


I'm not all to sure what to think about on the weather. We've had a very snowy start to Spring. As people are not all too thrilled with mother nature, I am thankful that this is a snowy March, and not April. Although, I do remember on one account... spending a weekend in NYC, April 2000 and waking up to a snowy manhattan. No, No, No!!

Another thing, on the topic - number 25... One of my favorite musicals has celebrated it's 25th anniversary in London, Bloublil, and Schonberg's 'Les Miserables'. One very neat fact, and furthers my love for this theater piece is that the show opened on Broadway, March 12, 1987. I am a '86 baby, but that's the birth day!


As April approaches... I am pretty sure my mother, Brit, and I will a bit emotional in our daily lives - as death of a loved one brings. April is my father's birth month. We miss him very much!!

Men... and a fight with lust but I'm calling it love.

This morning a guy and a younger one, perhaps his son stopped by the house. As they rang the door bell, I put 'Moby Dick' down, and rushed to the door.

The guys were inquiring about a Cadillac parked on main street. A tree is to be cut down this morning and they were wording if the car belonged to us. It was not one of our cars, for main street parking only comes with an two-hour parking limit.

As much as eye contact is important in conversing with someone; when I look into men's eyes I feel weak. It's a weakness as if I were in love, and I'm not all sure where it comes from. He was just a stranger. It's quite an uncomfortable feeling that is... eye contact, or the thought of love. I feel like they know... these men I'm forced to have eye contact with on a social basis.

I feel like everything is sprawled out open when I make eye contact with men, and then it leaves me feeling ashamed.

Am I afraid of the male gender? Could one show me a special kind of love I long to cherish and hold on to? It seems right, or ideal but wrong... all at the same time.

Could eye contact be seen as a simple form of intimacy?

We do it every day...
but something forced is never right, or justified, especially on terms dealing with intimacy.

I know...

Someday they will come - the right words; the words...

It is the evening of Tuesday January 4th, 2011. I am writing under the influence of coffee, the urge and needing to.

My last piece I wrote (unpublished via net) pertained to my father's death. There's so much that comes to my mind on the subject... but I'm just not ready to write about every detail that comes to mind.

With father's death just before Christmas, the anticipation of celebrating the holiday and the new year was definitely something to look forward too. The holidays went by fast, and now I feel I call this period "the long haul". It is very quiet in the home, and without Dad's presence around... his absence is kicking in. I am struggling with going out in public and finding myself with my head low. I feel I could break into tears just walking down the street of our village; walking his dog.

I find myself alone, staring where his study/desk is... asking in dead silence, "Dad, where are you?" and tear up.

_________________________________________________________________

There's so much I want to say about life and current happenings with my family which is consisting of mother, and my older sister, Brittany.

Today though, I found myself in conversation with Victor, from Tobati, Paraguay. It brings me much happiness to talk to people from my birth country. In a way that seems odd to describe other than saying the way that it is... it brings me hope. We talked about the languages, culture, soccer, and he complimented me on my knowledge of the country... in which I feel is very little, but of all countries... publications on Paraguay are a rare find. I have two books I peep into periodically.

I need to wrap up, walk Black Jack, and call it a night!

With many thanks

I am very thankful for the Song and the Dance, the Love, and the Life I've been given and for the beautiful people in it!!

Thanksgiving day was very nice, peaceful, and relaxing. I always enjoy watching the Macy's Parade with minimal distractions, as my other family members know... I am thoroughly engaged in the broadcast!

My father, who's been sick and stationed in bed for about the last two weeks came downstairs for the thanksgiving holiday to be with Brit, Mother, and I.

Dinner was very delicious, but seeing that we were eating in the living room with Dad on the couch, and all of us using the T.V. dinner tables seemed to be low key this year. Our dinner settings were small and intimate. We have some nice photos from dinner. We were also enjoying music by Patsy Cline and other music artists Mom and Dad have enjoyed throughout the years.

I have a feeling this holiday and winter season will be a long one.

Yesterday morning, Nick stopped by... with conversations on the work force, economy, and war. Mind you, he's 91 years old, Dad's friend and in good health.

Last night, I had a personal, emotional break-melt down. Mom was there to be ever-so critical of the situation, but managed to pick me up as well. When I go through these episodes... I call them the "I don't know what I'm doing" moments. These creep up on me randomly, as they are not fun to deal with.

"You don't throw something away until you know what reality is."

Today, I woke up... went through my morning routine. I walked our dog after breakfast. I have rehearsal tonight in Geneva with the orchestra. I hope things will go smoothly. I am just not ready for this... the performances to get underway! I have a feeling that this series of Nutcracker performances are going to fly by.

I need to blog/write more... I always say that here and there!

This sunny Fall day! Part I

Well... I will start off that it is Wednesday November 10th... and tomorrow is Veteran's Day.

It is so sunny out with blue skies... something we haven't seen for a while. Although, this fall... the waterfalls has been very full; more than I can ever imagine. I suppose it makes up for the dry falls during summer time. I love having my bedroom window open to hear the falls!

I'm feeling very ecstatic for some reason... good for blogging!

This morning after I woke up, I took Black Jack for a walk. I don't know what Mom put in his breakfast earlier in the morning but... he was wound up this morn! I wish I had his energy but it definitely put me in a good mood. The cat, as well has been acting crazy too.

Brit made me scrabbled eggs, as I read my daily bible passage... which was a good one. The passage was from the book of Luke - Chapter 11, verses 1-10; Jesus' teachings on prayer.

I still have to get some laundry done, and I'm feeling really ambitious to go out for a run... I just need to hydrate myself and do an AB/Upperbody workout beforehand.

This week has been Tech week for 'Pirates of Penzance' in which I acted upon as choreographer for the show. The cast has been fun to work with, and doing pretty well this week. It is sure to be a good presentation! I've been having the phrase "How pitiful his tale... How rare his beauty!" stuck in my head today.

A run tends to stir up my thoughts and emotions, so that is why I titled this with Part I... that is hoping I can get back to blog more!

Alas, the first blog of the November month!

T.

Notes to Self!

I need to organize my life!

I am seeing the big picture.

I need to work at what needs to be done. It won't miraculously happen!

My actions affects others around me.

Friday Morning thoughts

It's Hispanic Heritage Month in the United States, September 15-October 15th. As much as I love the fall season, this celebrated occasion always tends to creep up on me. I was just thinking about this time, next year... I will be on my way to turning 26 years old! Time, can you please stand still? I will need to reach the age of 25, successfully!

I have been listening to my Pandora station devoted to the Gipsy Kings a lot lately... sparks the interest in finding some sense of identity. Where do I come from? I believe knowing or in in my case, finding your roots is very important, or should be valued well.

I had been washing dishes this morning, listening to Latino music, and thinking to myself... in the motherland, taking care of of the family and home - is still mostly the females responsabilidad, no? It seems to remind me of the 1950's America - conservative era, as the men would be out working towards putting a meal on the table. In retrospect, I could go outside and rake the fall leaves... which would be an act of love; familia responsabilidad.

As I was finishing up with the dishes, our cat, Euchre helped himself to his dish of food. Normally, we put the dish back on the counter from his previous meal time. Dad had left the dish out though, so as I saw Euchre come out into the kitchen, I remarked "Euchre... helping yourself!! I wish to do the same..."

Good Friday to you!

An Imaginary Perspective...

I'm afraid I am going to miss a call from him. We haven't talked for about a week. I wonder if there will be a voicemail, asking 'What's wrong?' or 'What's going on?' as my phone isn't near me.

At the same time, if all this were true... I would let him know that I haven't felt; been myself this week. Well, that part is true.

An imaginary perspective...

"So that's what it is", he would exclaim. "You go silent for every other week. When you will you be, or feel like yourself again?"

I'd have to honestly reply, "I don't know...".

It's been one of those beautiful - dark days...

There are two people out there that I've met and would fall for... the thing is I haven't fallen completely. But, things would be far from perfect.

I am only use to men.

I question myself a lot... as in what it would be like to pursue something with a woman. The thing is that she would be the first female I've been with. We both would have past histories with men to bring to the table.

I could just be another guy to her, but to me... she'd be a part of a first time experience, which the thought of it, brings thrill and excitement to me.

A mess... over Love

Is this love so far, or so near?
Will I know what it feels like tomorrow, or next year?

An apartment, or an elaborate home that we will share?

Will I be preparing dinner, or coming home to a fine meal?

Will I be the breadwinner, or the stay-at-home lover?

Will I be expected to mow the lawn, or be able to read some Lewis Sinclair?

You will mean the world to me, but will I bring the happiness you deserve?

I could be a messy slob but will you care?

Let me dance, the dance!

With a father not well, A son not knowing all what to do... it puts me in a state of Love - I feel angry, sad, frustrated, and helpless... All within this love for my father.

I wish I could show my love for you. I feel I can only dance it out, or any other feelings for that matter.

I struggle with showing love, but I know the feeling is throughout my body, and throughout life. If only I could dance my expression out for you. I t would be so much easier than keeping it bottled up. If I could put my dancing into words, I'd be set.

Showing emotion is one of my many struggles, without the music, singing the song, or to dance.

Let me dance, the dance!

How would you define a life that is lived well?

Prompt from journalingpromts.com:
How would you define a life that is lived well?

I feel I can only list characteristics of people whom I feel are doing good, or well with their lives.

Independency - to be financially independent, and being able to act upon personal likes and interests and to share them with others. Also being out on your own encompasses being independent.

Job/Career - to have a job, number one, and to have one they enjoy or make the best out of.

Family and Friends - it is important to be surrounded by the people you love, or the ones to cherish your friendship, people who love and support you for BEING who You are!

I do not have independency. As far as work, I have gigs that pay money here, and there... nothing stable as of now. I'm gaining skills and experience but I still have yet made it in what you'd call the "workforce".

I am surrounded by the family I know.

I believe Love does surround us, but sometimes we as individuals show our true colors, and it turns out to be not so loving. I try to do my best day by day with the current situation I am in.

I purchased a bag that in big, bold, letters read: LIVE YOUR LIFE. At first, I thought how cheesy of me but let's just say I am trying... to the best of my ability with my given situation, with many deep breathes.

Tuesday June 22, 2010 Writings

It is my last day of subbing at Watkins Glen High for the 2009-2010 school year.

I don't know what else to say... I survived 4 weeks, and 2 days.

I have just found a website full of journal prompts. I have, someday - at some point... a lot personal writings to go through, reflect on, and possibly edit more clearly! I just think sometimes a prompt helps get you out of the same 'ole, same old.

Today's prompt: What do you long for most right now? Do you think that you have a good chance of getting what you really want?

- Being around dear friends I miss all over!

- To date someone wonderful

- To go back to school or find a steady job that I enjoy...

- To find a good way to balance work, play, among the many diverse interests of mine.

- World travel

Do I have a good chance at getting what I really want?

I believe, first off... the easiest one of the five bullets to work on is, to find a good way to balance work, play-social life, and tap into the diverse interests of mine. I suppose classifying this as the easiest to be done, is impart to my interests on reading, and research, as well as being low on the price tag scheme of things. I see working on this as coming and growing with life experience and knowledge versus living a materialistic life, or putting an emphasis on materialistic things. I don't believe every thing is cheap out there, or in history class we have learned... there is no such thing as a free lunch but to aim to work along the budget I have smart and effectively is the best I can do.

Love... what is love? Happiness... Singleness. Matters of the heart - a very touchy subject for me, but the longing to date someone wonderful is always there. I am a christian who is also currently struggling with sexuality. I can be seen as living an alternative lifestyle, but wait a minute! If I'm not actively dating the same-sex, or whatever , am I meant to get labeled? I believe in a loving God who loves all people. It is your choice, belief system that you may choose... It could be that you reject ever-lasting love. I would like to be loved for who I am, express my love towards a male or female, be one in faith with Christianity, as well as loving thy mother and father, because they are all I have besides my faith in the Lord, God Almighty.

It would be nice to find a steady job. I have been fortunate to have performed, teach dance, choreograph musicals, and substitute teach in the public school system in which have been my work life for the past year. I have gained much insight, knowledge, and experiences to take with me as I propel forward with life! I have thought about going back to school briefly here and there... I just need to get some money under my belt for that plan to blossom.

I miss many different people throughout my life now... people from high school, college, dance programs, and such. My friends are important to me, although currently I am struggling with keeping in touch the best possible way, and sustaining good relationships. The social networking site, Facebook, does help but where is a simple phone call these days? Is a phone conversation going out of style, like hand-written letters? I have called some individuals 3 to 5 times with no answer. I have done my part reaching out... it's quite discouraging going down a list of say, 5 friends and nothing comes up... taking the time to call loved ones. As well with keeping in touch, I wish I had the financial means to travel to visit friends in Pittsburgh, Florida, New York City, and California, among other spots in this world of ours. My family and friends are very important to me.

Lastly, but not least... I would love to travel around the world. Having been born in Asuncion, Paraguay... I have always thought, internally felt having a worldly view throughout life. This past January, I traveled abroad for the first time to the Southern Yucatan Peninsula of Mexico. I went on a mission trip through the Geneva Presbytery. I saw, and witnessed the beauty, the people, and culture of Mexico you never see in the media. I would like to visit the homeland of Paraguay someday! I have always wanted to do the trip with my immediate family but that seems unlikely. When I am ready, and all in seriousness in wanting to take the trip... I'd love to take a friend who's close to me and fluent in the Spanish language. Other countries I am interested in visiting include: Argentina, Brazil, India, Portugal, Spain, and France. Someday... when I have the finances... I long to travel!

Well, I covered 5 things that I long for... right now? Perhaps, or soon in the near future. These five points I brainstormed right away. I prioritized them to cover the specifics by the cost/financial factors from least to most costly means. I am alright with what money I do have, but at the same time I know I am not in a good financial standing. I attempt to be smart in decisions when it comes to the budget I am living within.

Do you think you have a good chance at getting what you really want? With time, work, and life experiences... why not? But for right now, let me... let us enjoy Summer 2010!

Freelance...

How or where to begin...

Well it is just after 8pm on Tuesday evening, June 15th, 2010. For the past three weeks, I've been a long-term sub; well 4 weeks is long term for me! I've been substituting at Watkins Glen High for a teacher's assistant, who works with Special Ed. students. Now I am just proctoring Regents exams and helping other teachers with tedious end of the year tasks to lighten their load. I never imagined subbing a lot this past year in the High School and seeing the Class of 2010 on their way out into the Real World. It was just five years ago, I did the same. I don't like to say being equal to but it's been quite the trip working along side my former high school teachers in which have been co-workers of my parents, and which I'd like to call "extended family".

This past Sunday was the 64th annual American Theater Wing's TONY Awards, celebrating the Best of the Best of Live Theater. As many would say, maybe this season or just the awards show was quite distasteful. I am not an expert to say but maybe it was an Off season for NY Theater. There's a breed of new faces with new, and revived works of course. I would go on, and on about specifics but I can't quite seem to put the words together as I see fit, and that would make sense!

I am listening to the New Broadway cast recording of Stephen Sondheim's, A LITTLE NIGHT MUSIC.

This freelance is not going anywhere... work, and theater! Well, speaking of work and theater, I do have some projects to be working on! I will be staging a community theater production of Gilbert & Sullivan's PIRATES of PENZANCE, and I will be choreographing the musical, FOOTLOOSE for a local high school.