Too much hope, and many dreams. There is not enough love, to fulfill the rest of my life.
Your talk is sweet and lovely to me. The future we could hold that you've imagined... you and I but I don't think you know me well, to love me that much.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Serve Him Today
Yesterday seemed to be one of those "dark" days. After taking a shower around 10:15am, I had fallen into a spell of depression. I think people respond to depression in various ways, as after I cleansed myself up I fell back into bed. I struggled with getting myself back up and in gear. It was just after 1pm when I finally got up and moving.
Mother says the choices I am making furthers me into depression. Also, I think it is partially due or a lot to due with the grieving period, being unemployed, and struggling with figuring out what I should be doing with my life. Inactivity kicks in too... I need to find more productive, and meaningful activities to do to keep me busy.
In the afternoon, as I was reading the newspaper the "Dear Abby" section caught my attention. In our newspaper today, it is not "Abby" anymore. It is "Annie" and "Amy". The two passages seemed to resonate with some of my current situations. In Annie's mailbox, a wife writes about her husband, who's in his 30's and is having trouble with deciding on a career path. He is afraid of failure, and is heavily influence on his family values; his mother's input. A father writes in to Amy in regards to the living arrangements he and his wife has offered to their 23-year old son. I am just two years older than the recent college graduate, living at home with difficulty on the career path scheme of things. I enjoy reading other people's issues which are similar to mine, and hope to reflect, learn, and grow from them. In any situation, reading about other people's accounts can re-affirm - you are not alone.
This morning's devotional, Serve Him Today written by David McCasland also spoke to me just as strongly as yesterday's newspaper passages... just on another facet of life. I won't go into the religious passages, portions of the devotional but after having a rough start to yesterday, the devotional brought me encouragement to last me, hopefully for some time. A sentence that stuck out like a sore thumb, yet perfectly was this: 'We can't undo yesterday, but we can act today to influence tomorrow'.
1st Samuel 12, v.24 "But be sure to fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you."
Mother says the choices I am making furthers me into depression. Also, I think it is partially due or a lot to due with the grieving period, being unemployed, and struggling with figuring out what I should be doing with my life. Inactivity kicks in too... I need to find more productive, and meaningful activities to do to keep me busy.
In the afternoon, as I was reading the newspaper the "Dear Abby" section caught my attention. In our newspaper today, it is not "Abby" anymore. It is "Annie" and "Amy". The two passages seemed to resonate with some of my current situations. In Annie's mailbox, a wife writes about her husband, who's in his 30's and is having trouble with deciding on a career path. He is afraid of failure, and is heavily influence on his family values; his mother's input. A father writes in to Amy in regards to the living arrangements he and his wife has offered to their 23-year old son. I am just two years older than the recent college graduate, living at home with difficulty on the career path scheme of things. I enjoy reading other people's issues which are similar to mine, and hope to reflect, learn, and grow from them. In any situation, reading about other people's accounts can re-affirm - you are not alone.
This morning's devotional, Serve Him Today written by David McCasland also spoke to me just as strongly as yesterday's newspaper passages... just on another facet of life. I won't go into the religious passages, portions of the devotional but after having a rough start to yesterday, the devotional brought me encouragement to last me, hopefully for some time. A sentence that stuck out like a sore thumb, yet perfectly was this: 'We can't undo yesterday, but we can act today to influence tomorrow'.
1st Samuel 12, v.24 "But be sure to fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you."
Friday, March 25, 2011
So it goes... 25
The birth month has six more days left... I am 25 years of age, writing on the 25th!
What do I make of being a quarter-of-a-century? I'm just going through the motions... not sure what to think of everything as my father's death is still so recent. It's been hard when it comes to birthdays... As Brittany celebrated her 29th in January, we celebrated with family friends. If I thought it was hard to be in good spirits, not sure how Brittany felt when she was blowing out the candle's on the cake without Dad's presence.
One thing I observed or took notice of was that the day before the birthday... you have so much hope, and wait in anticipation of your day, and a new year to begin! The day itself is, well what you make of it as any other day. The day before you celebrate, I feel is more exciting!
This month of March has treated me well thus far...
I worked on the musical at Elmira Free Academy. The performances were earlier this month. The students presented 'Footloose' as I provided the choreography for the show. I thoroughly love working on musicals and to be able to share my love and passion for the arts with others. I perform predominately Ballet within the dance concert settings. When I choreograph shows though, there is a portion of me in my work. The hard part to handle is the "letting go" process as production time arrives! Each night a cast performs , of course their nerves and adrenalin are high... mine as well! I love this time in my artistic life where I can still actively perform, and be a part of the creative process.
Sometimes I feel unhappy with where I am in life, with little accomplishments but I am truly blessed with the opportunities I've been given. I am still learning and growing from them.
With working in Elmira since January, I took a break from ballet classes and rehearsals. I just completed two weeks of some classes and rehearsals for 'Sleeping Beauty', the three-act ballet which will be presented by The Ithaca Ballet Company, April 30th-May 1st. I am performing the "Bluebird" Pas de deux, Variation, and Coda with Rosie, a dancer whom I've been working with throughout the season. The first week back was not so smooth, and learning the role was taxing on the mind and body... but I hadn't been in dancer mode for some time. This past week was a pivotal one. I feel much better on how things are going with rehearsals, and getting back into the regiment of taking classes. We have five weeks till performance time.
I'm not all to sure what to think about on the weather. We've had a very snowy start to Spring. As people are not all too thrilled with mother nature, I am thankful that this is a snowy March, and not April. Although, I do remember on one account... spending a weekend in NYC, April 2000 and waking up to a snowy manhattan. No, No, No!!
Another thing, on the topic - number 25... One of my favorite musicals has celebrated it's 25th anniversary in London, Bloublil, and Schonberg's 'Les Miserables'. One very neat fact, and furthers my love for this theater piece is that the show opened on Broadway, March 12, 1987. I am a '86 baby, but that's the birth day!
As April approaches... I am pretty sure my mother, Brit, and I will a bit emotional in our daily lives - as death of a loved one brings. April is my father's birth month. We miss him very much!!
What do I make of being a quarter-of-a-century? I'm just going through the motions... not sure what to think of everything as my father's death is still so recent. It's been hard when it comes to birthdays... As Brittany celebrated her 29th in January, we celebrated with family friends. If I thought it was hard to be in good spirits, not sure how Brittany felt when she was blowing out the candle's on the cake without Dad's presence.
One thing I observed or took notice of was that the day before the birthday... you have so much hope, and wait in anticipation of your day, and a new year to begin! The day itself is, well what you make of it as any other day. The day before you celebrate, I feel is more exciting!
This month of March has treated me well thus far...
I worked on the musical at Elmira Free Academy. The performances were earlier this month. The students presented 'Footloose' as I provided the choreography for the show. I thoroughly love working on musicals and to be able to share my love and passion for the arts with others. I perform predominately Ballet within the dance concert settings. When I choreograph shows though, there is a portion of me in my work. The hard part to handle is the "letting go" process as production time arrives! Each night a cast performs , of course their nerves and adrenalin are high... mine as well! I love this time in my artistic life where I can still actively perform, and be a part of the creative process.
Sometimes I feel unhappy with where I am in life, with little accomplishments but I am truly blessed with the opportunities I've been given. I am still learning and growing from them.
With working in Elmira since January, I took a break from ballet classes and rehearsals. I just completed two weeks of some classes and rehearsals for 'Sleeping Beauty', the three-act ballet which will be presented by The Ithaca Ballet Company, April 30th-May 1st. I am performing the "Bluebird" Pas de deux, Variation, and Coda with Rosie, a dancer whom I've been working with throughout the season. The first week back was not so smooth, and learning the role was taxing on the mind and body... but I hadn't been in dancer mode for some time. This past week was a pivotal one. I feel much better on how things are going with rehearsals, and getting back into the regiment of taking classes. We have five weeks till performance time.
I'm not all to sure what to think about on the weather. We've had a very snowy start to Spring. As people are not all too thrilled with mother nature, I am thankful that this is a snowy March, and not April. Although, I do remember on one account... spending a weekend in NYC, April 2000 and waking up to a snowy manhattan. No, No, No!!
Another thing, on the topic - number 25... One of my favorite musicals has celebrated it's 25th anniversary in London, Bloublil, and Schonberg's 'Les Miserables'. One very neat fact, and furthers my love for this theater piece is that the show opened on Broadway, March 12, 1987. I am a '86 baby, but that's the birth day!
As April approaches... I am pretty sure my mother, Brit, and I will a bit emotional in our daily lives - as death of a loved one brings. April is my father's birth month. We miss him very much!!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Men... and a fight with lust but I'm calling it love.
This morning a guy and a younger one, perhaps his son stopped by the house. As they rang the door bell, I put 'Moby Dick' down, and rushed to the door.
The guys were inquiring about a Cadillac parked on main street. A tree is to be cut down this morning and they were wording if the car belonged to us. It was not one of our cars, for main street parking only comes with an two-hour parking limit.
As much as eye contact is important in conversing with someone; when I look into men's eyes I feel weak. It's a weakness as if I were in love, and I'm not all sure where it comes from. He was just a stranger. It's quite an uncomfortable feeling that is... eye contact, or the thought of love. I feel like they know... these men I'm forced to have eye contact with on a social basis.
I feel like everything is sprawled out open when I make eye contact with men, and then it leaves me feeling ashamed.
Am I afraid of the male gender? Could one show me a special kind of love I long to cherish and hold on to? It seems right, or ideal but wrong... all at the same time.
Could eye contact be seen as a simple form of intimacy?
We do it every day...
but something forced is never right, or justified, especially on terms dealing with intimacy.
I know...
The guys were inquiring about a Cadillac parked on main street. A tree is to be cut down this morning and they were wording if the car belonged to us. It was not one of our cars, for main street parking only comes with an two-hour parking limit.
As much as eye contact is important in conversing with someone; when I look into men's eyes I feel weak. It's a weakness as if I were in love, and I'm not all sure where it comes from. He was just a stranger. It's quite an uncomfortable feeling that is... eye contact, or the thought of love. I feel like they know... these men I'm forced to have eye contact with on a social basis.
I feel like everything is sprawled out open when I make eye contact with men, and then it leaves me feeling ashamed.
Am I afraid of the male gender? Could one show me a special kind of love I long to cherish and hold on to? It seems right, or ideal but wrong... all at the same time.
Could eye contact be seen as a simple form of intimacy?
We do it every day...
but something forced is never right, or justified, especially on terms dealing with intimacy.
I know...
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Someday they will come - the right words; the words...
It is the evening of Tuesday January 4th, 2011. I am writing under the influence of coffee, the urge and needing to.
My last piece I wrote (unpublished via net) pertained to my father's death. There's so much that comes to my mind on the subject... but I'm just not ready to write about every detail that comes to mind.
With father's death just before Christmas, the anticipation of celebrating the holiday and the new year was definitely something to look forward too. The holidays went by fast, and now I feel I call this period "the long haul". It is very quiet in the home, and without Dad's presence around... his absence is kicking in. I am struggling with going out in public and finding myself with my head low. I feel I could break into tears just walking down the street of our village; walking his dog.
I find myself alone, staring where his study/desk is... asking in dead silence, "Dad, where are you?" and tear up.
_________________________________________________________________
There's so much I want to say about life and current happenings with my family which is consisting of mother, and my older sister, Brittany.
Today though, I found myself in conversation with Victor, from Tobati, Paraguay. It brings me much happiness to talk to people from my birth country. In a way that seems odd to describe other than saying the way that it is... it brings me hope. We talked about the languages, culture, soccer, and he complimented me on my knowledge of the country... in which I feel is very little, but of all countries... publications on Paraguay are a rare find. I have two books I peep into periodically.
I need to wrap up, walk Black Jack, and call it a night!
My last piece I wrote (unpublished via net) pertained to my father's death. There's so much that comes to my mind on the subject... but I'm just not ready to write about every detail that comes to mind.
With father's death just before Christmas, the anticipation of celebrating the holiday and the new year was definitely something to look forward too. The holidays went by fast, and now I feel I call this period "the long haul". It is very quiet in the home, and without Dad's presence around... his absence is kicking in. I am struggling with going out in public and finding myself with my head low. I feel I could break into tears just walking down the street of our village; walking his dog.
I find myself alone, staring where his study/desk is... asking in dead silence, "Dad, where are you?" and tear up.
_________________________________________________________________
There's so much I want to say about life and current happenings with my family which is consisting of mother, and my older sister, Brittany.
Today though, I found myself in conversation with Victor, from Tobati, Paraguay. It brings me much happiness to talk to people from my birth country. In a way that seems odd to describe other than saying the way that it is... it brings me hope. We talked about the languages, culture, soccer, and he complimented me on my knowledge of the country... in which I feel is very little, but of all countries... publications on Paraguay are a rare find. I have two books I peep into periodically.
I need to wrap up, walk Black Jack, and call it a night!
Saturday, November 27, 2010
With many thanks
I am very thankful for the Song and the Dance, the Love, and the Life I've been given and for the beautiful people in it!!
Thanksgiving day was very nice, peaceful, and relaxing. I always enjoy watching the Macy's Parade with minimal distractions, as my other family members know... I am thoroughly engaged in the broadcast!
My father, who's been sick and stationed in bed for about the last two weeks came downstairs for the thanksgiving holiday to be with Brit, Mother, and I.
Dinner was very delicious, but seeing that we were eating in the living room with Dad on the couch, and all of us using the T.V. dinner tables seemed to be low key this year. Our dinner settings were small and intimate. We have some nice photos from dinner. We were also enjoying music by Patsy Cline and other music artists Mom and Dad have enjoyed throughout the years.
I have a feeling this holiday and winter season will be a long one.
Yesterday morning, Nick stopped by... with conversations on the work force, economy, and war. Mind you, he's 91 years old, Dad's friend and in good health.
Last night, I had a personal, emotional break-melt down. Mom was there to be ever-so critical of the situation, but managed to pick me up as well. When I go through these episodes... I call them the "I don't know what I'm doing" moments. These creep up on me randomly, as they are not fun to deal with.
"You don't throw something away until you know what reality is."
Today, I woke up... went through my morning routine. I walked our dog after breakfast. I have rehearsal tonight in Geneva with the orchestra. I hope things will go smoothly. I am just not ready for this... the performances to get underway! I have a feeling that this series of Nutcracker performances are going to fly by.
I need to blog/write more... I always say that here and there!
Thanksgiving day was very nice, peaceful, and relaxing. I always enjoy watching the Macy's Parade with minimal distractions, as my other family members know... I am thoroughly engaged in the broadcast!
My father, who's been sick and stationed in bed for about the last two weeks came downstairs for the thanksgiving holiday to be with Brit, Mother, and I.
Dinner was very delicious, but seeing that we were eating in the living room with Dad on the couch, and all of us using the T.V. dinner tables seemed to be low key this year. Our dinner settings were small and intimate. We have some nice photos from dinner. We were also enjoying music by Patsy Cline and other music artists Mom and Dad have enjoyed throughout the years.
I have a feeling this holiday and winter season will be a long one.
Yesterday morning, Nick stopped by... with conversations on the work force, economy, and war. Mind you, he's 91 years old, Dad's friend and in good health.
Last night, I had a personal, emotional break-melt down. Mom was there to be ever-so critical of the situation, but managed to pick me up as well. When I go through these episodes... I call them the "I don't know what I'm doing" moments. These creep up on me randomly, as they are not fun to deal with.
"You don't throw something away until you know what reality is."
Today, I woke up... went through my morning routine. I walked our dog after breakfast. I have rehearsal tonight in Geneva with the orchestra. I hope things will go smoothly. I am just not ready for this... the performances to get underway! I have a feeling that this series of Nutcracker performances are going to fly by.
I need to blog/write more... I always say that here and there!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
This sunny Fall day! Part I
Well... I will start off that it is Wednesday November 10th... and tomorrow is Veteran's Day.
It is so sunny out with blue skies... something we haven't seen for a while. Although, this fall... the waterfalls has been very full; more than I can ever imagine. I suppose it makes up for the dry falls during summer time. I love having my bedroom window open to hear the falls!
I'm feeling very ecstatic for some reason... good for blogging!
This morning after I woke up, I took Black Jack for a walk. I don't know what Mom put in his breakfast earlier in the morning but... he was wound up this morn! I wish I had his energy but it definitely put me in a good mood. The cat, as well has been acting crazy too.
Brit made me scrabbled eggs, as I read my daily bible passage... which was a good one. The passage was from the book of Luke - Chapter 11, verses 1-10; Jesus' teachings on prayer.
I still have to get some laundry done, and I'm feeling really ambitious to go out for a run... I just need to hydrate myself and do an AB/Upperbody workout beforehand.
This week has been Tech week for 'Pirates of Penzance' in which I acted upon as choreographer for the show. The cast has been fun to work with, and doing pretty well this week. It is sure to be a good presentation! I've been having the phrase "How pitiful his tale... How rare his beauty!" stuck in my head today.
A run tends to stir up my thoughts and emotions, so that is why I titled this with Part I... that is hoping I can get back to blog more!
Alas, the first blog of the November month!
T.
It is so sunny out with blue skies... something we haven't seen for a while. Although, this fall... the waterfalls has been very full; more than I can ever imagine. I suppose it makes up for the dry falls during summer time. I love having my bedroom window open to hear the falls!
I'm feeling very ecstatic for some reason... good for blogging!
This morning after I woke up, I took Black Jack for a walk. I don't know what Mom put in his breakfast earlier in the morning but... he was wound up this morn! I wish I had his energy but it definitely put me in a good mood. The cat, as well has been acting crazy too.
Brit made me scrabbled eggs, as I read my daily bible passage... which was a good one. The passage was from the book of Luke - Chapter 11, verses 1-10; Jesus' teachings on prayer.
I still have to get some laundry done, and I'm feeling really ambitious to go out for a run... I just need to hydrate myself and do an AB/Upperbody workout beforehand.
This week has been Tech week for 'Pirates of Penzance' in which I acted upon as choreographer for the show. The cast has been fun to work with, and doing pretty well this week. It is sure to be a good presentation! I've been having the phrase "How pitiful his tale... How rare his beauty!" stuck in my head today.
A run tends to stir up my thoughts and emotions, so that is why I titled this with Part I... that is hoping I can get back to blog more!
Alas, the first blog of the November month!
T.
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