Why do the most beautiful days... with sunshine, and blue skies have to be the dark ones, internally?
Feeling frustrated, and a sense of guilt are never too good.
I went for a walk on the trail this morning. I couldn't make it all the way... I felt I needed to get back home - to write? Yes, perhaps...
When I go walking, running on the Catherine Valley Trail, it brings the best and worst out of me. It can be a very emotional trip; form of exercise.
I wasn't too happy turning around but something did seem wrong...
I am back home though, where everything is just fine. It's just... me.
As I was ending up my dose of sunshine, trying to be upbeat about things, the song - Gethsemane (I Only Want To Say), from Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber's musical, JESUS CHRIST SUPERSTAR came up on my ipod. Yes, randomly - on Good Friday. As I question... How the most beautiful days out there, can also be the darkest ones.
On a lighter note, as I approached my bedroom door, "Say Liza" (Liza with a "Z") was playing on the ipod. What privilege to share my birthday, March 12th with Ms. Liza Minnelli.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Thursday, April 1, 2010
SATURDAY March 27th... and that I need to BLOG more!
** I miss blogging! I mean, daily or on a weekly basis I do journal... sometimes I feel blogging helps me connect to others around me, because you'd be reading about what's going on in my life currently... Not sure if people would be interested in reading old journal entries of mine, but here goes a recent one** ~Trent
Saturday March 27, 2010
Well, my alarm clock went off at 7AM... Did I get up? No. Did I text a friend? Yes... and yes 7AM is early for a text message!
As I grabbed my morning coffee, I found Mom in the living room with her cup. The original film, THE CUTTING EDGE was airing on ABC Family Television. It surely brightened my day.
J.M. had gotten a late start to the day... so that had pushed things back an hour 1/2, and that was fine by me. I have my ipod with me, and enjoying a mocha frappiccino.
I was looking at music by Nina Simone, Billie Holiday, and the Original Broadway Cast Recording of "Mack & Mabel" - all at a very reasonable price! I also saw some albums of Ms. Renee Fleming which also grabbed my short attention span which takes over so well in a store such as B&N! Music, and books... with a cafe; I go crazy!
No idea how my meeting will go with J.M. ... I can only be thankful, and grateful for him availing his time to meet up with me. I wanted to brainstorm topics of discussion, or something! I feel so unprepared...
_________________________________________________________
Well, I put some things down of thought. Finally, I believe J.M. is on a bus to B&N... it seems weird to say, I vaguely remember what it was like... to rely on Public Transportation.
Saturday March 27, 2010
Well, my alarm clock went off at 7AM... Did I get up? No. Did I text a friend? Yes... and yes 7AM is early for a text message!
As I grabbed my morning coffee, I found Mom in the living room with her cup. The original film, THE CUTTING EDGE was airing on ABC Family Television. It surely brightened my day.
J.M. had gotten a late start to the day... so that had pushed things back an hour 1/2, and that was fine by me. I have my ipod with me, and enjoying a mocha frappiccino.
I was looking at music by Nina Simone, Billie Holiday, and the Original Broadway Cast Recording of "Mack & Mabel" - all at a very reasonable price! I also saw some albums of Ms. Renee Fleming which also grabbed my short attention span which takes over so well in a store such as B&N! Music, and books... with a cafe; I go crazy!
No idea how my meeting will go with J.M. ... I can only be thankful, and grateful for him availing his time to meet up with me. I wanted to brainstorm topics of discussion, or something! I feel so unprepared...
_________________________________________________________
Well, I put some things down of thought. Finally, I believe J.M. is on a bus to B&N... it seems weird to say, I vaguely remember what it was like... to rely on Public Transportation.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Ecstasy of The Dance
A dancer, choreographer should never sit down in a coffee shop, with some java and a book, and expect the normal joys of a coffee shop to be there... especially with tunes playing; courtesy of your ipod.
As you "seem" to be focused on reading some literature... a particular song comes up, the words on the page disappear into a large performance space, and there you are giving the best, stellar dance performance you've imagined under the heat of some bright, colorful lights.
In reality, your constrained sitting at the coffee shop... with complete strangers surrounding you. Immersed in your beautiful masterpiece - the ecstasy of the dance... you wonder. You wonder... why aren't they smiling? Why aren't these people enjoying themselves? The dance that goes through my mind, body, and soul.
I come back to reality. I can't imagine what the man or woman must be thinking across the shop from me. I don't think they can comprehend this out of body experience that dance can give me... constrained to my book, ipod and my cafe mocha. I'm afraid they can see the sweat build up as I sit, write of this experience... while I dance in my head; or out of breathe I really do feel just sitting here.
I can't imagine someone else actually relating to this ... or can I?
The Ecstasy of The Dance!
[I am still tweaking this here and there... TTL]
As you "seem" to be focused on reading some literature... a particular song comes up, the words on the page disappear into a large performance space, and there you are giving the best, stellar dance performance you've imagined under the heat of some bright, colorful lights.
In reality, your constrained sitting at the coffee shop... with complete strangers surrounding you. Immersed in your beautiful masterpiece - the ecstasy of the dance... you wonder. You wonder... why aren't they smiling? Why aren't these people enjoying themselves? The dance that goes through my mind, body, and soul.
I come back to reality. I can't imagine what the man or woman must be thinking across the shop from me. I don't think they can comprehend this out of body experience that dance can give me... constrained to my book, ipod and my cafe mocha. I'm afraid they can see the sweat build up as I sit, write of this experience... while I dance in my head; or out of breathe I really do feel just sitting here.
I can't imagine someone else actually relating to this ... or can I?
The Ecstasy of The Dance!
[I am still tweaking this here and there... TTL]
A Smile for Ani!
I feel okay - cool... feeling good.
I am happy that she's happy. It is inspiring!
Happiness is attainable.
Look at Ani! My joy cannot be containable.
Her music moves me; awakening the mind, body, and soul. Her happiness propels me into some brighter, beautiful days!
When the darker days arise, she's there. I mean, she has been there...
She just moves me; just makes me wanna go!
Up the road she goes... where one has strummed her guitar, heart-strings so. Where happiness seems to grow.
We are on different paths, I know.
When happiness pierces into my heart as your music just soothes my soul...
Well, Ani! That is the happiness I long to know.
I am happy that she's happy. It is inspiring!
Happiness is attainable.
Look at Ani! My joy cannot be containable.
Her music moves me; awakening the mind, body, and soul. Her happiness propels me into some brighter, beautiful days!
When the darker days arise, she's there. I mean, she has been there...
She just moves me; just makes me wanna go!
Up the road she goes... where one has strummed her guitar, heart-strings so. Where happiness seems to grow.
We are on different paths, I know.
When happiness pierces into my heart as your music just soothes my soul...
Well, Ani! That is the happiness I long to know.
Monday, May 25, 2009
Memorial Day 2009
I woke up this morning probably just about an hour before the festivities began. Living across a natural waterfall is something else with tourists always outside your home photographing this magnificent falls or even your 1860 Victorian home, or the fancy old antique cars my Dad owns.
Today is Memorial day. There is always a service held at 9AM at the falls. I can remember the days where I would still be in bed and the sounds of the gunshots were my wake-up call. Today was different. I just happened to wake up at 8Am to find my mother running around and heading out to school to do a little work on her day off; that's so like her! She never misses the service though. I thought Brittany was already at work but I found her coming down the stairs to leave after the ceremony was finished. My Dad and I had a moment where we were at the end of our drive way just across the street from the falls listening to the ceremony. It was a chilly morning.
After the ceremony, I was lost at what to do. I'm always lost... who am I kidding? I've been a lost child since birth for all I am concerned which produces this weird Trenton angst that I don't think anyone will or could understand.
I didn't catch his name but a Veteran gave a very nice speech which basically he made this statement of "Service over self" as the basis to the well delivered speech. Gosh where's my thesaurus! Anyways... It's something we can all work on - whether he truly meant in the context of military service or not. But he did speak of the men and women who serve all of us and come home from duty to catch up, support, love and to live with their families.
This home I live in is something else. It's just a very silent part of my family... in which I can totally sympathize with. I feel I don't have a voice within this family sometimes. It hurts, but at the same time it somewhat makes sense. After Church this Sunday, a woman came up to me and said along these lines " Well now that you've graduated, you can be your own person." I replied... "Well I try to be my own person at home. It just doesn't go over all that too well". She chuckled, but yes, that's how it feels.
I cannot foresee what will happen to this home. I wish it could be mine, or ours forever... and I am speaking of our behalf - Brittany and I. I worry sick everyday literally over the future of our family - our small family. It's just that this home is something special, despite our dysfunctional, obscure family as I see it. Who wouldn't like a bedroom view of a waterfalls, or the sounds of tumbling waters as you go to bed at night? It's so beautiful and majestic. I would literally have to fall backwards to keep it. Drop everything I'm doing to maintain it. I don't know how my 73 year old father does it. He's his own one-man show. And my mother won't be getting any younger, soon to be approaching age 59. I do love them dearly, and trust me I will be a mess when they are gone; I already am. I worry sick that I will be cleaning up after them, the good and the bad they have done in their lifetime. I'm afraid I won't live up to be either one of them. Is that normal? It's quite frightening to me and has failure written all over it. I would love to keep this home within the family but when I say drop everything - perhaps it will be a major shift of a location, an occupation that I have been busy with. This could ultimately change my hopes, aspirations, and dreams for myself, whom I'm sharing my life with then and there or the family that I could be building or already have. Granted this could be as early as age 30 or who knows when... I thank the Lord everyday and pray for my family that they are in good health - but I know they won't always be able to go strong this way and here I am age 23, and my life can change drastically at any moment. Well anybody's life can... There's always the possibility of I, leaving before my folks. I actually was in a life-threatening situation 2 years ago and it was not fun. I swear I thought my life was going to go dark-black right then and there at age 21.
One thing I must strongly urge parents of today's youth is that just coming out of college, I still feel small and weak when the parents are concerned. I'm still their baby. Never ever -ever verbally tell your son or daughter "You're such an embarrassment", "You're so lazy", and "That's Bullshit". If you ever use those phrases to your children or loved ones, you have just lost partial or all respect from the for the time being... and eventually they will get over what you said - but they will never forget; it will haunt them. This has happened to me within the past week. This past year I have been getting back into my Christian background in which I was brought up through with my mother and sister. My father is an ex-catholic. Around 1998 and September 11th, 2001 time frame - Mom decided not taking my sister and I to church... and I would like to blame her for the disconnect from the Lord, our savior. So since my Sophomore year of HS, I attended church by myself, became a member, sang in the choir - pursuing this all by myself. It wasn't easy. It still isn't... with a family of non-believers? I don't understand what happened. It's something I currently struggle with - how to communicate to them through the way of the Lord, and Jesus Christ. I feel I can only do so much. Before coming home from college, I knew all of us were going to be living under the same roof for some time. Something I was actually looking forward too - perhaps knowing our family was already at a disconnect on other levels versus religion. I actually looked forward to this moment of trying to bring our family together to be on the same page as we once were... but I realize I'm not all that strong too. I thought I could come home and brush the dust off of their hearts. The hearts of the family I knew. But I can't. I feel like a failure and a failure is "such an embarrassment".
Today is Memorial day. There is always a service held at 9AM at the falls. I can remember the days where I would still be in bed and the sounds of the gunshots were my wake-up call. Today was different. I just happened to wake up at 8Am to find my mother running around and heading out to school to do a little work on her day off; that's so like her! She never misses the service though. I thought Brittany was already at work but I found her coming down the stairs to leave after the ceremony was finished. My Dad and I had a moment where we were at the end of our drive way just across the street from the falls listening to the ceremony. It was a chilly morning.
After the ceremony, I was lost at what to do. I'm always lost... who am I kidding? I've been a lost child since birth for all I am concerned which produces this weird Trenton angst that I don't think anyone will or could understand.
I didn't catch his name but a Veteran gave a very nice speech which basically he made this statement of "Service over self" as the basis to the well delivered speech. Gosh where's my thesaurus! Anyways... It's something we can all work on - whether he truly meant in the context of military service or not. But he did speak of the men and women who serve all of us and come home from duty to catch up, support, love and to live with their families.
This home I live in is something else. It's just a very silent part of my family... in which I can totally sympathize with. I feel I don't have a voice within this family sometimes. It hurts, but at the same time it somewhat makes sense. After Church this Sunday, a woman came up to me and said along these lines " Well now that you've graduated, you can be your own person." I replied... "Well I try to be my own person at home. It just doesn't go over all that too well". She chuckled, but yes, that's how it feels.
I cannot foresee what will happen to this home. I wish it could be mine, or ours forever... and I am speaking of our behalf - Brittany and I. I worry sick everyday literally over the future of our family - our small family. It's just that this home is something special, despite our dysfunctional, obscure family as I see it. Who wouldn't like a bedroom view of a waterfalls, or the sounds of tumbling waters as you go to bed at night? It's so beautiful and majestic. I would literally have to fall backwards to keep it. Drop everything I'm doing to maintain it. I don't know how my 73 year old father does it. He's his own one-man show. And my mother won't be getting any younger, soon to be approaching age 59. I do love them dearly, and trust me I will be a mess when they are gone; I already am. I worry sick that I will be cleaning up after them, the good and the bad they have done in their lifetime. I'm afraid I won't live up to be either one of them. Is that normal? It's quite frightening to me and has failure written all over it. I would love to keep this home within the family but when I say drop everything - perhaps it will be a major shift of a location, an occupation that I have been busy with. This could ultimately change my hopes, aspirations, and dreams for myself, whom I'm sharing my life with then and there or the family that I could be building or already have. Granted this could be as early as age 30 or who knows when... I thank the Lord everyday and pray for my family that they are in good health - but I know they won't always be able to go strong this way and here I am age 23, and my life can change drastically at any moment. Well anybody's life can... There's always the possibility of I, leaving before my folks. I actually was in a life-threatening situation 2 years ago and it was not fun. I swear I thought my life was going to go dark-black right then and there at age 21.
One thing I must strongly urge parents of today's youth is that just coming out of college, I still feel small and weak when the parents are concerned. I'm still their baby. Never ever -ever verbally tell your son or daughter "You're such an embarrassment", "You're so lazy", and "That's Bullshit". If you ever use those phrases to your children or loved ones, you have just lost partial or all respect from the for the time being... and eventually they will get over what you said - but they will never forget; it will haunt them. This has happened to me within the past week. This past year I have been getting back into my Christian background in which I was brought up through with my mother and sister. My father is an ex-catholic. Around 1998 and September 11th, 2001 time frame - Mom decided not taking my sister and I to church... and I would like to blame her for the disconnect from the Lord, our savior. So since my Sophomore year of HS, I attended church by myself, became a member, sang in the choir - pursuing this all by myself. It wasn't easy. It still isn't... with a family of non-believers? I don't understand what happened. It's something I currently struggle with - how to communicate to them through the way of the Lord, and Jesus Christ. I feel I can only do so much. Before coming home from college, I knew all of us were going to be living under the same roof for some time. Something I was actually looking forward too - perhaps knowing our family was already at a disconnect on other levels versus religion. I actually looked forward to this moment of trying to bring our family together to be on the same page as we once were... but I realize I'm not all that strong too. I thought I could come home and brush the dust off of their hearts. The hearts of the family I knew. But I can't. I feel like a failure and a failure is "such an embarrassment".
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Weak
I feel really weak all of a sudden... where's my focus?
I have been a bit sick this past week, and I'm quite sure it is not the swine flu!
It is Sunday, and I did not get up this morning in time for church. I'm sure that is it... breaking the continued regiment. You tend to be in question on either what just happened or the causes, or well... now what? The way you'd attack the day, or the rest of it would be totally different - not necessarily in question.
My mother would like me to go out to exercise. I know what I would personally like to do to workout. I just don't like when she thinks she has to be so authoritive over my life... or
Low batt!
I have been a bit sick this past week, and I'm quite sure it is not the swine flu!
It is Sunday, and I did not get up this morning in time for church. I'm sure that is it... breaking the continued regiment. You tend to be in question on either what just happened or the causes, or well... now what? The way you'd attack the day, or the rest of it would be totally different - not necessarily in question.
My mother would like me to go out to exercise. I know what I would personally like to do to workout. I just don't like when she thinks she has to be so authoritive over my life... or
Low batt!
Saturday, May 9, 2009
It's been one week...
I'm not sure if I should track the first 100 days of my life after college. I'm still in shock and yet know there's work to be done... as if I were just sworn in to office by the American people. Of course that will not happen... I do not intend to run the United States, so be thankful.
The last two nights, I have volunteered at 2 events within our small county... the second smallest county of New York State; dear Schuyler.
I have been scrap booking my Senior year of college. I have print newspapers from school, and the city of Pittsburgh to go through. It was an exciting year for the STEELERS won the Superbowl. I was in Pittsburgh for two Superbowl wins which was something else! It just made my college years complete 2005-2009 with wins in '06 and '09; book ends if you will.
I helped outdoors today which sadly is a stretch for me. I swept the sidewalk clear of fallen blossoms of trees. I don't think I mastered sweeping but I was happy with my attempt. I told my mother and sister to give me a break. Sweeping is a female thing. In those fairy tales it is Cinderella and Snow White that gets the job done. I'm just suppose to stand there, look handsome and be charming.
I've been having dreams about professors... I don't know if this is normal.
I'm off to do Yogilates.
The last two nights, I have volunteered at 2 events within our small county... the second smallest county of New York State; dear Schuyler.
I have been scrap booking my Senior year of college. I have print newspapers from school, and the city of Pittsburgh to go through. It was an exciting year for the STEELERS won the Superbowl. I was in Pittsburgh for two Superbowl wins which was something else! It just made my college years complete 2005-2009 with wins in '06 and '09; book ends if you will.
I helped outdoors today which sadly is a stretch for me. I swept the sidewalk clear of fallen blossoms of trees. I don't think I mastered sweeping but I was happy with my attempt. I told my mother and sister to give me a break. Sweeping is a female thing. In those fairy tales it is Cinderella and Snow White that gets the job done. I'm just suppose to stand there, look handsome and be charming.
I've been having dreams about professors... I don't know if this is normal.
I'm off to do Yogilates.
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