Men... and a fight with lust but I'm calling it love.

This morning a guy and a younger one, perhaps his son stopped by the house. As they rang the door bell, I put 'Moby Dick' down, and rushed to the door.

The guys were inquiring about a Cadillac parked on main street. A tree is to be cut down this morning and they were wording if the car belonged to us. It was not one of our cars, for main street parking only comes with an two-hour parking limit.

As much as eye contact is important in conversing with someone; when I look into men's eyes I feel weak. It's a weakness as if I were in love, and I'm not all sure where it comes from. He was just a stranger. It's quite an uncomfortable feeling that is... eye contact, or the thought of love. I feel like they know... these men I'm forced to have eye contact with on a social basis.

I feel like everything is sprawled out open when I make eye contact with men, and then it leaves me feeling ashamed.

Am I afraid of the male gender? Could one show me a special kind of love I long to cherish and hold on to? It seems right, or ideal but wrong... all at the same time.

Could eye contact be seen as a simple form of intimacy?

We do it every day...
but something forced is never right, or justified, especially on terms dealing with intimacy.

I know...

It's been one of those beautiful - dark days...

There are two people out there that I've met and would fall for... the thing is I haven't fallen completely. But, things would be far from perfect.

I am only use to men.

I question myself a lot... as in what it would be like to pursue something with a woman. The thing is that she would be the first female I've been with. We both would have past histories with men to bring to the table.

I could just be another guy to her, but to me... she'd be a part of a first time experience, which the thought of it, brings thrill and excitement to me.