Not Pretty...

This is not where I imagined I'd be at the age of 25. I have to embrace my reality, and own it.

I do not want to be dancing to the same crowd I have been, for the past 10 years.

I would like to dance... in a different location.

I feel that giving up what I enjoy is throwing away the "old" me. I am in the midsts of establishing a "new" me. I am not sure where I am going with my life but the "old" me is not taking me anywhere or doing me any service.

I feel that this... is growing up!

It's Friday... a little 3 am writing

Too much hope, and many dreams. There is not enough love, to fulfill the rest of my life.

Your talk is sweet and lovely to me. The future we could hold that you've imagined... you and I but I don't think you know me well, to love me that much.

Serve Him Today

Yesterday seemed to be one of those "dark" days. After taking a shower around 10:15am, I had fallen into a spell of depression. I think people respond to depression in various ways, as after I cleansed myself up I fell back into bed. I struggled with getting myself back up and in gear. It was just after 1pm when I finally got up and moving.

Mother says the choices I am making furthers me into depression. Also, I think it is partially due or a lot to due with the grieving period, being unemployed, and struggling with figuring out what I should be doing with my life. Inactivity kicks in too... I need to find more productive, and meaningful activities to do to keep me busy.

In the afternoon, as I was reading the newspaper the "Dear Abby" section caught my attention. In our newspaper today, it is not "Abby" anymore. It is "Annie" and "Amy". The two passages seemed to resonate with some of my current situations. In Annie's mailbox, a wife writes about her husband, who's in his 30's and is having trouble with deciding on a career path. He is afraid of failure, and is heavily influence on his family values; his mother's input. A father writes in to Amy in regards to the living arrangements he and his wife has offered to their 23-year old son. I am just two years older than the recent college graduate, living at home with difficulty on the career path scheme of things. I enjoy reading other people's issues which are similar to mine, and hope to reflect, learn, and grow from them. In any situation, reading about other people's accounts can re-affirm - you are not alone.

This morning's devotional, Serve Him Today written by David McCasland also spoke to me just as strongly as yesterday's newspaper passages... just on another facet of life. I won't go into the religious passages, portions of the devotional but after having a rough start to yesterday, the devotional brought me encouragement to last me, hopefully for some time. A sentence that stuck out like a sore thumb, yet perfectly was this: 'We can't undo yesterday, but we can act today to influence tomorrow'.


1st Samuel 12, v.24 "But be sure to fear the Lord and serve him faithfully with all your heart; consider what great things he has done for you."

Someday they will come - the right words; the words...

It is the evening of Tuesday January 4th, 2011. I am writing under the influence of coffee, the urge and needing to.

My last piece I wrote (unpublished via net) pertained to my father's death. There's so much that comes to my mind on the subject... but I'm just not ready to write about every detail that comes to mind.

With father's death just before Christmas, the anticipation of celebrating the holiday and the new year was definitely something to look forward too. The holidays went by fast, and now I feel I call this period "the long haul". It is very quiet in the home, and without Dad's presence around... his absence is kicking in. I am struggling with going out in public and finding myself with my head low. I feel I could break into tears just walking down the street of our village; walking his dog.

I find myself alone, staring where his study/desk is... asking in dead silence, "Dad, where are you?" and tear up.

_________________________________________________________________

There's so much I want to say about life and current happenings with my family which is consisting of mother, and my older sister, Brittany.

Today though, I found myself in conversation with Victor, from Tobati, Paraguay. It brings me much happiness to talk to people from my birth country. In a way that seems odd to describe other than saying the way that it is... it brings me hope. We talked about the languages, culture, soccer, and he complimented me on my knowledge of the country... in which I feel is very little, but of all countries... publications on Paraguay are a rare find. I have two books I peep into periodically.

I need to wrap up, walk Black Jack, and call it a night!

Notes to Self!

I need to organize my life!

I am seeing the big picture.

I need to work at what needs to be done. It won't miraculously happen!

My actions affects others around me.

How would you define a life that is lived well?

Prompt from journalingpromts.com:
How would you define a life that is lived well?

I feel I can only list characteristics of people whom I feel are doing good, or well with their lives.

Independency - to be financially independent, and being able to act upon personal likes and interests and to share them with others. Also being out on your own encompasses being independent.

Job/Career - to have a job, number one, and to have one they enjoy or make the best out of.

Family and Friends - it is important to be surrounded by the people you love, or the ones to cherish your friendship, people who love and support you for BEING who You are!

I do not have independency. As far as work, I have gigs that pay money here, and there... nothing stable as of now. I'm gaining skills and experience but I still have yet made it in what you'd call the "workforce".

I am surrounded by the family I know.

I believe Love does surround us, but sometimes we as individuals show our true colors, and it turns out to be not so loving. I try to do my best day by day with the current situation I am in.

I purchased a bag that in big, bold, letters read: LIVE YOUR LIFE. At first, I thought how cheesy of me but let's just say I am trying... to the best of my ability with my given situation, with many deep breathes.

It's been one week...

I'm not sure if I should track the first 100 days of my life after college. I'm still in shock and yet know there's work to be done... as if I were just sworn in to office by the American people. Of course that will not happen... I do not intend to run the United States, so be thankful.

The last two nights, I have volunteered at 2 events within our small county... the second smallest county of New York State; dear Schuyler.

I have been scrap booking my Senior year of college. I have print newspapers from school, and the city of Pittsburgh to go through. It was an exciting year for the STEELERS won the Superbowl. I was in Pittsburgh for two Superbowl wins which was something else! It just made my college years complete 2005-2009 with wins in '06 and '09; book ends if you will.

I helped outdoors today which sadly is a stretch for me. I swept the sidewalk clear of fallen blossoms of trees. I don't think I mastered sweeping but I was happy with my attempt. I told my mother and sister to give me a break. Sweeping is a female thing. In those fairy tales it is Cinderella and Snow White that gets the job done. I'm just suppose to stand there, look handsome and be charming.

I've been having dreams about professors... I don't know if this is normal.

I'm off to do Yogilates.

Man... I feel like a woman ~ Shania Twain

Hmmm... ever since I wrote my "Coffee Shop Memoirs of Pittsburgh, PA" I want to start again by saying - WHERE TO Begin...

I just finished my four year college career at Point Park University in Pittsburgh. It was something else; it's unreal to be done. I'm still in quite a shock. Graduation seemed very minor, and yet I put myself in jeopardy of being completely done, here and now. What I'm trying to say is I had one course, a degree requirement I was on borderline to failure. Some seniors were using the phrase "D for Diploma!" well that isn't how I approached the course by any means but I finally knew I had this Bachelor's of Arts Degree today, Wednesday May 6th - just four days after the Graduation ceremony.

I'm thoroughly happy and grateful things worked out. I have a Bachelor's Degree, what?? I never thought once in High School that I was college material honestly. Still, I have my faults... I'm still working on Time management, among other things. Nobody is perfect and yet we strive to be the best we can be - which takes alot out of us.

Today I read a 2 sections of my "Coffee Shop Memoirs" to my sister, whom introduced me to the writings of Mr. David Sedaris... whom I've met in person! She thinks that my writings were in a very similar style to his... I'm on a roll. She mentioned "Coffee Shop Memoirs" would be a great title of a book. It was just a little piece of my Senior Year... I had other writings from the year but really, there more so dark and gruesome... If you look at earlier postings they are on here.

My life isn't pretty. I just try to make the best out of it.

Since I've been home, my room is no where presentable. I'm not fully unpacked and if I were... I have the last 3 years still in boxes to go through. I pointed out to my father that I need a bigger bedroom! ... he agreed.

I left Pittsburgh saying my goodbyes to people near and dear to me but there are others whom I wish I had more time to spend with. I'm tempted to write a cheesy facebook note and tag my friends. I think it's cheesy for the fact that I left abruptly, in my opinion and that's my excuse... I couldn't say goodbye so I will write a letter from NY. Maybe it's the thought factor that will count. I don't know - No se :)

The state of Maine, legalized Gay marriage today... I'm not sure what I think. Granted I don't know... I have been against gay marriage - but it is I, who will not get married to another male, so maybe that is why I have been strongly against gay marriage because it's nothing I'd partake in. As Tori Spelling would say "I love my gays".

So this home living situation isn't easy by no means. It seems like luxury which it is, but not. We are one family under the same roof yet again. We are clashing like crazy and I'm not sure what to think... but I hope we can, or we will manage as the family we've always been.

I need to call this quits for now...

Ta Ta!!

A Follow Up... or fucked up.

I begin to formulate an idea. I stop.
I get confused quite easily, or flustered.

What is right or wrong?
To whom does it matter... family, friends, society, GOD?

Where is true happiness and is it attainable?

What is Love? Is is something you search for, or something you experience?

Pain is... struggling with the devil himself... or caused by a higher being whom you choose to believe in or not.
That's life...

I guess.

Just before the 23rd B...

My pain is so deep that my love for life seems too superficial.
Am I going through this struggle of many struggles alone, or is there truly someone out there who is my soul mate, and has or is experiencing the exact same thing? I have so many questions unanswered with many barriers to break down. I just don't know where to begin...