Memorial Day 2009

I woke up this morning probably just about an hour before the festivities began. Living across a natural waterfall is something else with tourists always outside your home photographing this magnificent falls or even your 1860 Victorian home, or the fancy old antique cars my Dad owns.

Today is Memorial day. There is always a service held at 9AM at the falls. I can remember the days where I would still be in bed and the sounds of the gunshots were my wake-up call. Today was different. I just happened to wake up at 8Am to find my mother running around and heading out to school to do a little work on her day off; that's so like her! She never misses the service though. I thought Brittany was already at work but I found her coming down the stairs to leave after the ceremony was finished. My Dad and I had a moment where we were at the end of our drive way just across the street from the falls listening to the ceremony. It was a chilly morning.

After the ceremony, I was lost at what to do. I'm always lost... who am I kidding? I've been a lost child since birth for all I am concerned which produces this weird Trenton angst that I don't think anyone will or could understand.

I didn't catch his name but a Veteran gave a very nice speech which basically he made this statement of "Service over self" as the basis to the well delivered speech. Gosh where's my thesaurus! Anyways... It's something we can all work on - whether he truly meant in the context of military service or not. But he did speak of the men and women who serve all of us and come home from duty to catch up, support, love and to live with their families.

This home I live in is something else. It's just a very silent part of my family... in which I can totally sympathize with. I feel I don't have a voice within this family sometimes. It hurts, but at the same time it somewhat makes sense. After Church this Sunday, a woman came up to me and said along these lines " Well now that you've graduated, you can be your own person." I replied... "Well I try to be my own person at home. It just doesn't go over all that too well". She chuckled, but yes, that's how it feels.

I cannot foresee what will happen to this home. I wish it could be mine, or ours forever... and I am speaking of our behalf - Brittany and I. I worry sick everyday literally over the future of our family - our small family. It's just that this home is something special, despite our dysfunctional, obscure family as I see it. Who wouldn't like a bedroom view of a waterfalls, or the sounds of tumbling waters as you go to bed at night? It's so beautiful and majestic. I would literally have to fall backwards to keep it. Drop everything I'm doing to maintain it. I don't know how my 73 year old father does it. He's his own one-man show. And my mother won't be getting any younger, soon to be approaching age 59. I do love them dearly, and trust me I will be a mess when they are gone; I already am. I worry sick that I will be cleaning up after them, the good and the bad they have done in their lifetime. I'm afraid I won't live up to be either one of them. Is that normal? It's quite frightening to me and has failure written all over it. I would love to keep this home within the family but when I say drop everything - perhaps it will be a major shift of a location, an occupation that I have been busy with. This could ultimately change my hopes, aspirations, and dreams for myself, whom I'm sharing my life with then and there or the family that I could be building or already have. Granted this could be as early as age 30 or who knows when... I thank the Lord everyday and pray for my family that they are in good health - but I know they won't always be able to go strong this way and here I am age 23, and my life can change drastically at any moment. Well anybody's life can... There's always the possibility of I, leaving before my folks. I actually was in a life-threatening situation 2 years ago and it was not fun. I swear I thought my life was going to go dark-black right then and there at age 21.

One thing I must strongly urge parents of today's youth is that just coming out of college, I still feel small and weak when the parents are concerned. I'm still their baby. Never ever -ever verbally tell your son or daughter "You're such an embarrassment", "You're so lazy", and "That's Bullshit". If you ever use those phrases to your children or loved ones, you have just lost partial or all respect from the for the time being... and eventually they will get over what you said - but they will never forget; it will haunt them. This has happened to me within the past week. This past year I have been getting back into my Christian background in which I was brought up through with my mother and sister. My father is an ex-catholic. Around 1998 and September 11th, 2001 time frame - Mom decided not taking my sister and I to church... and I would like to blame her for the disconnect from the Lord, our savior. So since my Sophomore year of HS, I attended church by myself, became a member, sang in the choir - pursuing this all by myself. It wasn't easy. It still isn't... with a family of non-believers? I don't understand what happened. It's something I currently struggle with - how to communicate to them through the way of the Lord, and Jesus Christ. I feel I can only do so much. Before coming home from college, I knew all of us were going to be living under the same roof for some time. Something I was actually looking forward too - perhaps knowing our family was already at a disconnect on other levels versus religion. I actually looked forward to this moment of trying to bring our family together to be on the same page as we once were... but I realize I'm not all that strong too. I thought I could come home and brush the dust off of their hearts. The hearts of the family I knew. But I can't. I feel like a failure and a failure is "such an embarrassment".

Weak

I feel really weak all of a sudden... where's my focus?

I have been a bit sick this past week, and I'm quite sure it is not the swine flu!

It is Sunday, and I did not get up this morning in time for church. I'm sure that is it... breaking the continued regiment. You tend to be in question on either what just happened or the causes, or well... now what? The way you'd attack the day, or the rest of it would be totally different - not necessarily in question.

My mother would like me to go out to exercise. I know what I would personally like to do to workout. I just don't like when she thinks she has to be so authoritive over my life... or

Low batt!

It's been one week...

I'm not sure if I should track the first 100 days of my life after college. I'm still in shock and yet know there's work to be done... as if I were just sworn in to office by the American people. Of course that will not happen... I do not intend to run the United States, so be thankful.

The last two nights, I have volunteered at 2 events within our small county... the second smallest county of New York State; dear Schuyler.

I have been scrap booking my Senior year of college. I have print newspapers from school, and the city of Pittsburgh to go through. It was an exciting year for the STEELERS won the Superbowl. I was in Pittsburgh for two Superbowl wins which was something else! It just made my college years complete 2005-2009 with wins in '06 and '09; book ends if you will.

I helped outdoors today which sadly is a stretch for me. I swept the sidewalk clear of fallen blossoms of trees. I don't think I mastered sweeping but I was happy with my attempt. I told my mother and sister to give me a break. Sweeping is a female thing. In those fairy tales it is Cinderella and Snow White that gets the job done. I'm just suppose to stand there, look handsome and be charming.

I've been having dreams about professors... I don't know if this is normal.

I'm off to do Yogilates.

Man... I feel like a woman ~ Shania Twain

Hmmm... ever since I wrote my "Coffee Shop Memoirs of Pittsburgh, PA" I want to start again by saying - WHERE TO Begin...

I just finished my four year college career at Point Park University in Pittsburgh. It was something else; it's unreal to be done. I'm still in quite a shock. Graduation seemed very minor, and yet I put myself in jeopardy of being completely done, here and now. What I'm trying to say is I had one course, a degree requirement I was on borderline to failure. Some seniors were using the phrase "D for Diploma!" well that isn't how I approached the course by any means but I finally knew I had this Bachelor's of Arts Degree today, Wednesday May 6th - just four days after the Graduation ceremony.

I'm thoroughly happy and grateful things worked out. I have a Bachelor's Degree, what?? I never thought once in High School that I was college material honestly. Still, I have my faults... I'm still working on Time management, among other things. Nobody is perfect and yet we strive to be the best we can be - which takes alot out of us.

Today I read a 2 sections of my "Coffee Shop Memoirs" to my sister, whom introduced me to the writings of Mr. David Sedaris... whom I've met in person! She thinks that my writings were in a very similar style to his... I'm on a roll. She mentioned "Coffee Shop Memoirs" would be a great title of a book. It was just a little piece of my Senior Year... I had other writings from the year but really, there more so dark and gruesome... If you look at earlier postings they are on here.

My life isn't pretty. I just try to make the best out of it.

Since I've been home, my room is no where presentable. I'm not fully unpacked and if I were... I have the last 3 years still in boxes to go through. I pointed out to my father that I need a bigger bedroom! ... he agreed.

I left Pittsburgh saying my goodbyes to people near and dear to me but there are others whom I wish I had more time to spend with. I'm tempted to write a cheesy facebook note and tag my friends. I think it's cheesy for the fact that I left abruptly, in my opinion and that's my excuse... I couldn't say goodbye so I will write a letter from NY. Maybe it's the thought factor that will count. I don't know - No se :)

The state of Maine, legalized Gay marriage today... I'm not sure what I think. Granted I don't know... I have been against gay marriage - but it is I, who will not get married to another male, so maybe that is why I have been strongly against gay marriage because it's nothing I'd partake in. As Tori Spelling would say "I love my gays".

So this home living situation isn't easy by no means. It seems like luxury which it is, but not. We are one family under the same roof yet again. We are clashing like crazy and I'm not sure what to think... but I hope we can, or we will manage as the family we've always been.

I need to call this quits for now...

Ta Ta!!