An Imaginary Perspective...

I'm afraid I am going to miss a call from him. We haven't talked for about a week. I wonder if there will be a voicemail, asking 'What's wrong?' or 'What's going on?' as my phone isn't near me.

At the same time, if all this were true... I would let him know that I haven't felt; been myself this week. Well, that part is true.

An imaginary perspective...

"So that's what it is", he would exclaim. "You go silent for every other week. When you will you be, or feel like yourself again?"

I'd have to honestly reply, "I don't know...".

It's been one of those beautiful - dark days...

There are two people out there that I've met and would fall for... the thing is I haven't fallen completely. But, things would be far from perfect.

I am only use to men.

I question myself a lot... as in what it would be like to pursue something with a woman. The thing is that she would be the first female I've been with. We both would have past histories with men to bring to the table.

I could just be another guy to her, but to me... she'd be a part of a first time experience, which the thought of it, brings thrill and excitement to me.

A mess... over Love

Is this love so far, or so near?
Will I know what it feels like tomorrow, or next year?

An apartment, or an elaborate home that we will share?

Will I be preparing dinner, or coming home to a fine meal?

Will I be the breadwinner, or the stay-at-home lover?

Will I be expected to mow the lawn, or be able to read some Lewis Sinclair?

You will mean the world to me, but will I bring the happiness you deserve?

I could be a messy slob but will you care?

Let me dance, the dance!

With a father not well, A son not knowing all what to do... it puts me in a state of Love - I feel angry, sad, frustrated, and helpless... All within this love for my father.

I wish I could show my love for you. I feel I can only dance it out, or any other feelings for that matter.

I struggle with showing love, but I know the feeling is throughout my body, and throughout life. If only I could dance my expression out for you. I t would be so much easier than keeping it bottled up. If I could put my dancing into words, I'd be set.

Showing emotion is one of my many struggles, without the music, singing the song, or to dance.

Let me dance, the dance!

How would you define a life that is lived well?

Prompt from journalingpromts.com:
How would you define a life that is lived well?

I feel I can only list characteristics of people whom I feel are doing good, or well with their lives.

Independency - to be financially independent, and being able to act upon personal likes and interests and to share them with others. Also being out on your own encompasses being independent.

Job/Career - to have a job, number one, and to have one they enjoy or make the best out of.

Family and Friends - it is important to be surrounded by the people you love, or the ones to cherish your friendship, people who love and support you for BEING who You are!

I do not have independency. As far as work, I have gigs that pay money here, and there... nothing stable as of now. I'm gaining skills and experience but I still have yet made it in what you'd call the "workforce".

I am surrounded by the family I know.

I believe Love does surround us, but sometimes we as individuals show our true colors, and it turns out to be not so loving. I try to do my best day by day with the current situation I am in.

I purchased a bag that in big, bold, letters read: LIVE YOUR LIFE. At first, I thought how cheesy of me but let's just say I am trying... to the best of my ability with my given situation, with many deep breathes.

Tuesday June 22, 2010 Writings

It is my last day of subbing at Watkins Glen High for the 2009-2010 school year.

I don't know what else to say... I survived 4 weeks, and 2 days.

I have just found a website full of journal prompts. I have, someday - at some point... a lot personal writings to go through, reflect on, and possibly edit more clearly! I just think sometimes a prompt helps get you out of the same 'ole, same old.

Today's prompt: What do you long for most right now? Do you think that you have a good chance of getting what you really want?

- Being around dear friends I miss all over!

- To date someone wonderful

- To go back to school or find a steady job that I enjoy...

- To find a good way to balance work, play, among the many diverse interests of mine.

- World travel

Do I have a good chance at getting what I really want?

I believe, first off... the easiest one of the five bullets to work on is, to find a good way to balance work, play-social life, and tap into the diverse interests of mine. I suppose classifying this as the easiest to be done, is impart to my interests on reading, and research, as well as being low on the price tag scheme of things. I see working on this as coming and growing with life experience and knowledge versus living a materialistic life, or putting an emphasis on materialistic things. I don't believe every thing is cheap out there, or in history class we have learned... there is no such thing as a free lunch but to aim to work along the budget I have smart and effectively is the best I can do.

Love... what is love? Happiness... Singleness. Matters of the heart - a very touchy subject for me, but the longing to date someone wonderful is always there. I am a christian who is also currently struggling with sexuality. I can be seen as living an alternative lifestyle, but wait a minute! If I'm not actively dating the same-sex, or whatever , am I meant to get labeled? I believe in a loving God who loves all people. It is your choice, belief system that you may choose... It could be that you reject ever-lasting love. I would like to be loved for who I am, express my love towards a male or female, be one in faith with Christianity, as well as loving thy mother and father, because they are all I have besides my faith in the Lord, God Almighty.

It would be nice to find a steady job. I have been fortunate to have performed, teach dance, choreograph musicals, and substitute teach in the public school system in which have been my work life for the past year. I have gained much insight, knowledge, and experiences to take with me as I propel forward with life! I have thought about going back to school briefly here and there... I just need to get some money under my belt for that plan to blossom.

I miss many different people throughout my life now... people from high school, college, dance programs, and such. My friends are important to me, although currently I am struggling with keeping in touch the best possible way, and sustaining good relationships. The social networking site, Facebook, does help but where is a simple phone call these days? Is a phone conversation going out of style, like hand-written letters? I have called some individuals 3 to 5 times with no answer. I have done my part reaching out... it's quite discouraging going down a list of say, 5 friends and nothing comes up... taking the time to call loved ones. As well with keeping in touch, I wish I had the financial means to travel to visit friends in Pittsburgh, Florida, New York City, and California, among other spots in this world of ours. My family and friends are very important to me.

Lastly, but not least... I would love to travel around the world. Having been born in Asuncion, Paraguay... I have always thought, internally felt having a worldly view throughout life. This past January, I traveled abroad for the first time to the Southern Yucatan Peninsula of Mexico. I went on a mission trip through the Geneva Presbytery. I saw, and witnessed the beauty, the people, and culture of Mexico you never see in the media. I would like to visit the homeland of Paraguay someday! I have always wanted to do the trip with my immediate family but that seems unlikely. When I am ready, and all in seriousness in wanting to take the trip... I'd love to take a friend who's close to me and fluent in the Spanish language. Other countries I am interested in visiting include: Argentina, Brazil, India, Portugal, Spain, and France. Someday... when I have the finances... I long to travel!

Well, I covered 5 things that I long for... right now? Perhaps, or soon in the near future. These five points I brainstormed right away. I prioritized them to cover the specifics by the cost/financial factors from least to most costly means. I am alright with what money I do have, but at the same time I know I am not in a good financial standing. I attempt to be smart in decisions when it comes to the budget I am living within.

Do you think you have a good chance at getting what you really want? With time, work, and life experiences... why not? But for right now, let me... let us enjoy Summer 2010!

Freelance...

How or where to begin...

Well it is just after 8pm on Tuesday evening, June 15th, 2010. For the past three weeks, I've been a long-term sub; well 4 weeks is long term for me! I've been substituting at Watkins Glen High for a teacher's assistant, who works with Special Ed. students. Now I am just proctoring Regents exams and helping other teachers with tedious end of the year tasks to lighten their load. I never imagined subbing a lot this past year in the High School and seeing the Class of 2010 on their way out into the Real World. It was just five years ago, I did the same. I don't like to say being equal to but it's been quite the trip working along side my former high school teachers in which have been co-workers of my parents, and which I'd like to call "extended family".

This past Sunday was the 64th annual American Theater Wing's TONY Awards, celebrating the Best of the Best of Live Theater. As many would say, maybe this season or just the awards show was quite distasteful. I am not an expert to say but maybe it was an Off season for NY Theater. There's a breed of new faces with new, and revived works of course. I would go on, and on about specifics but I can't quite seem to put the words together as I see fit, and that would make sense!

I am listening to the New Broadway cast recording of Stephen Sondheim's, A LITTLE NIGHT MUSIC.

This freelance is not going anywhere... work, and theater! Well, speaking of work and theater, I do have some projects to be working on! I will be staging a community theater production of Gilbert & Sullivan's PIRATES of PENZANCE, and I will be choreographing the musical, FOOTLOOSE for a local high school.